Friday, August 20, 2010

My trembling hand to lift my cup...


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 5:8-9

There are times where happiness brings me great despair because I want to grasp that feeling and hold tight to it...have it always accessible,and never feel like I don't remember what it feels like. But the truth is, many days I don't just stumble upon a dance floor...I have to BUILD the dance floor. And many days, I don't just feel happy,I have to CREATE the joy within myself. More often than not, I don't want the day to begin, I want a tranquil sleep that will last until I'm no longer tired. Lately I have found my life to be exhausting.

I have found myself completely dissatisfied with the cup the Lord has given me. I want fun, I want the party, I want life without burdens. Because of this, any complication that arises feels more like a jagged sword than ever. What maybe used to "give me a twinge" now feels like an open wound.

A friend gave me this verse to meditate on, Isaiah 55: 8-9. I love it, and yet, it's frustrating. I had built my house firmly on the foundation of God, and how God had THIS as part of His plan. But, it's so hard. And, just when I feel the glance of the sun on my shoulders the sand comes piling back down into the hole that I am trying desperately to climb out of. So, why can't God want even a little bit of what I want? Why can't He say, "Wow, this kid deserves a break."?

When we were little, we would sit up in Webster, WI and watch the sunlight dance on the crests of the waves on Owl Lake. We called it "diamonds on the lake." If you squinted your eyes, you could make them dance. Well, when I was in 9th grade, and about to be confirmed in my church, my mom wrote me a letter and I specifically remember it, on pink legal paper, she wrote, "Life won't always be diamonds on the lake." I wonder if she knew how those words would stick with me? There are so many days that I try to squint and see some diamonds dancing on the water...but when the sun isn't shining, it's hard to find the diamonds.

So, I know that I haven't had many entries in my blog yet, and already I'm running into a difficult situation--trying to find the strength to raise my cup and say "Cheers" to God...but I know, in faith that there will be a day that my strength will return and there will be a day when the diamonds will dance, and there will be a day when my heart is bursting with not just joy, but also HAPPINESS...and so, in faith I take my trembling hand and lift my cup...

To you, God, I say, "Cheers."

4 comments:

  1. I love how honest you are with the struggles. Amen sister. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes, just getting through the day is the only way you get through at all. You are an inspiration to so many who can't find enough faith to even find their cup....

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  2. Oh Tammie. You're not the only one. If you only knew how much I needed to read this. Thank you...

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  3. When Jack was turning 4 and the autism and OCD were getting worse and the fight with the county for services was getting harder and harder is when my life was no longer my life or a fun life. I sunk further into my depression, my husband didn't want to come home to me, and I just wanted Jack to drop off the face of the earth. I wanted to go back to my partying ways, hanging out with my cousins getting drunk watching Madison County.

    I hit rock bottom one day (I will tell you off line), it had to be the worse day of my life and Jacks. I prayed so hard that night for my sanity back. That night in my dreams God told me that this was no longer my life, it was my families life and I had to stop being selfish and to trust in Him. The next day I called the doctor, got on my crazy mommy pills and it wasn't too long after that God sent you Tammie into my life. He sent you to me because you and I would go through the same things and he knew that we could lean on each other and cry with each other.

    Hang in there and trust in the Lord as I did. Right now Im pretty content with my life and couldn't ask for a better one. Love you lots!

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  4. Your honest post is so refreshing...I've felt the same way many times! Life is often hard, and we often have a hard time finding those diamonds...but God is still good, even if that's hard to feel in our hearts at times!

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