Wednesday, February 18, 2015

New Angels, New Feelings ~ WAGR Wednesday

As a Mom:  I mourn for my friends who lost their babies on Valentine’s Day.  Two moms with two children no longer on earth but risen to Heaven far too soon.  Fear reverberates in my heart; please, God, never mine, never mine.  And then I feel selfish, and try to focus on their loss rather than my fear.

As a WAGR Mom:  This is the worst.  This is my fear.  The cancer comes back and eats away more and more of the kidneys.  It was looking okay and then it went terribly wrong.  The lifespan is unknown.  The research isn’t there to convince our doctors to scan more frequently even though they are older and “out of danger.”  Is this just one instance?  Is this “odd”?  Yes, Doctor, it is.  But:  Isn’t WAGR odd?  Isn’t my kid one of the “only” cases of WAGR that you have seen?  

As a Friend:  I’m sorry Amy.  I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you before it was too late.  I’m so glad I got to spend time with you at Cedar Point last summer, and I’m glad we talked about your cancer camp, and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.  I’m so glad you liked your pillowcase.  I’m so glad to know that you’re out of pain.  I’m glad you didn’t have to lose your hair again…you had such beautiful hair.   WAGR Weekend will never be the same without you.
To "S", I'm sorry you had to go through this and you lost your baby girl.  I wish I could be stronger for you and not cry when we talk.  But, that's me, the crier.
And to my friends “T,””H” and “Ms. A” I’ll cherish the fact that we had your Lil’ “A” in MN at WAGR Weekend.  I can’t imagine what you’re going through; but I’ve seen your strength, and I know you’re a WAGR family, so I know you will persevere and thrive.  

As a Leader:  I wish I had answers for all of you.  This was a shock for me too.  This was a shock for all of us.  But I am overwhelmed by the strength and love you are all showing our WAGR Family.  I’m so blessed to be a part of this group.   

What gives us the strength that people see in the Heftys?  Our faith in God and our families:  our family by birth and our family by WAGR.   

I have to laugh when people say, “You’re the president.”  I don’t feel like a president.  I feel like someone who is on-line A LOT, and studied public speaking and argumentation; so, I guess I have that going for me.  I feel like someone who was inspired by her grandparents and parents who took leadership roles in advocating for people with disabilities; so I followed a similar path.  But president?  I feel just as “fish out of water” as all of you do today.

As a Griever:  I can’t lay in grief for long.  On the day my dad died, I took my girl to the waterpark.  Why?  Because I know that if I mourn for TOO long, I can’t pull out of it.  I’m sorry if I look calloused.  I’m sorry if I look “back to business as usual.”  But I know my own weaknesses, and depression is one.

As a Christian:  From the moment we are born, we are dying.  This world is dying.  This world is getting worse by the day until the ultimate end which will be terror beyond our wildest imagination.  We will see sorrow, we will feel pain, we will think “What kind of a God???”  But the same God who wrote these stories of untimely death, also brought his own son an untimely death which is why I CAN move on each day…knowing that my sins are covered, knowing that I will live for eternity, knowing that death is not the end, but a beautiful beginning.  

This WAGR Wednesday was more for me than anyone else.  For me to process the various emotions that I’m feeling.  For me to stop worrying about what others think of my response.  For me to encourage others to do the same.  

Write what you are feeling.   

  • What are the feelings that you aren’t ashamed of?   
  • What are the feelings that you ARE ashamed of?   
  • Why do you think you’re feeling this way?   
  • Are the feelings different based on the different roles you play in life?   
  • Is it a regret of something in the past; you can’t change it, so will worrying about it help?  No.  
  •  Is it a fear of the future; is it something you can control?  If you can’t control it, you can’t change it, so worrying won’t help, it will just rob you have joy. 

For me, when the fear becomes gripping, I start to list my blessings.  Do that now too.   

  • What went RIGHT today?   
  • What made you giggle?  
  • When have you felt safe in the past?  What MADE you feel safe?   
  • Do you have friends who rally around you?   
  • Do you have family that you can always count on?   
  • Do you have an employer that is supportive of you and your family?   

Not EVERYONE can answer “yes” to all of these questions.  These are blessings.  Fill you mind with your blessings and the fears will scatter and hide.  

This IS when it hurts like thunder…but the clouds WILL part and the sun WILL shine again.

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