When the Heart Hurts ~ WAGR Wednesday

Photo by Erin Moore Photography

Yes, my daughter is legally blind.  Yes, she is a cancer survivor.  Yes, she has high blood pressure and the possibility of kidney failure down the road.  Yes, she is developmentally delayed. But what do I fear the most?

Her heart being hurt.

I was picked on as a kid, and I know how much it made my heart hurt.  I don't want to see her go through that.  But here she is, a ten year old who still sucks her thumb.  A ten year old who is scared to lock a bathroom stall door for fear of being locked in.  A ten year old who, when the rules of the "game" change, or when someone doesn't WANT to play it her way, will break down into tears and not listen to reason. 

I feared it a "little" when we lived in WI, but that started to wane as we were becoming more and more woven into the fabric of the community.  I saw how the kids loved her, her good parts and her not-so-good.  I saw how they just kind of attributed some of her quirks to "that's Evie."  So, when we decided to follow God's plan to take us 1800 miles away to Nevada, it was the social changes that made my heart hurt the most. 

School work, we can deal with. New doctors, we can work through.  Getting new medicaid coverage, just a matter of time and mountains of paperwork.  But, friends...friends?  How do you establish the same types of friendships that took nearly a decade to create?

Last week, the ugly beast of Evie's anxiety reared it's ugly head.  Her amazing group of girlfriends were at recess with her, and they had planned to play school (just like Evie loves to do), but then some decided that they DIDN'T want to play school.  I guess that didn't go over well, and there were tears from Evie...and, if you've ever seen the tears and reaction to "plans changing" for her, well...it can get pretty dramatic.  The teachers took care of the situation, and that was great.  I didn't really think anything of it, because it didn't seem to bother Evie all that much, so I thought, "no big deal." 

Until Monday...

I'm used to seeing the girls surround Evie and just kind of absorb her into the flock when I drop her off in the morning.  They USUALLY give me a big hug, and start chatting about their weekend, while Evie is, not-so-subtly, trying to get me to leave.  But, on Monday, there was an odd silence when we approached the spot where her class lines up.  The girls were already involved in their own conversations, they looked up at us and smiled, but Evie didn't get sucked into the circle like she usually does. 

I saw the blank look on Evie's face, like there were gears turning, but she didn't quite know what to think. She just stood there, staring at the circle of girls.

"How about if I stay and we can chat?" I asked.

"No." said Evie, not removing her eyes from the circle.

A girlfriend strolled by and said, "Hi, Evie, how was your weekend?"

"Good," Evie replied with a smile.

"I'm going to go get in line," said the friend, excusing herself.

Evie turned around and went to the back of the line of backpacks that held the students' places on the ground.  Still the circle of girls didn't break up, or open, or invite.

Why did this feel so tense to me?

A boy walked up to Evie and started talking with her, so I carried Evie's "big book bag" over to her (it holds her assigned reading which is enlarged so she can read it with her low-vision).  I set it down and gave Evie a kiss.

"I love you, Peanut and I'm excited to see you after school, and then tomorrow is a no school day, and we can spend the whole day together!"  I said, adding the last part as a comfort, more so for me than for her.

On  my way out of the playground, I tried to hold back the tears.  Thankfully, my sunglasses helped mask my blinking eyes.  I started to recall the story of the playground drama from Thursday (we had Friday off of school)...and I realized that the awkwardness and tension may have been coming from that.

Oh no...my worst fear!  They had seen a meltdown and now things were weird.  To use my Minnesota-Girl vernacular, "Crap."

I had a lot of other things on my mind that day too:  The medicaid paperwork was due and I hadn't had a callback yet from my two messages I left with questions on how to fill it out; I still didn't have access to Evie's chart at her new medical specialist's office, so I didn't have a way to get them some necessary documents; and I was trying to figure out how to prove to medicaid that Evie doesn't qualify for SSI when a parent can't sign a child up for SSI on-line, so you have to go to an office and do it in person, and yet I only had a week to get the papers back to the Las Vegas office. 

I became a complete emotional wreck. 

This is when the heart REALLY hurts.  When all the weight of WAGR piles on and you don't know how to fix ONE let alone ALL of the problems. 

Evie's SPED teacher phoned me in response to a distraught e-mail I sent her.  We agreed that this is a difficult situation.  That the kids need to learn not to take this type of thing personally; that it's Evie's inability to cope with change well, and that it's okay to not let her get her way.  I wanted to let the teachers to know that I don't expect kids to play with Evie if she's being difficult; that we can give her a choice to play cooperatively or to have some alone time, but that demanding everyone do everything her way is not an option.  I'm so thankful for her teachers who are so eager to help Evie "fit in" and yet teach her the right way to socialize.

Thankfully, we had yesterday off of school, so I was able to protect my bird the way a momma bird does.  Today when I dropped Evie off, it seemed like things were back to normal for the most part.  Her friends were enthusiastic and welcoming and warm. 

Maybe I had over-reacted.  Maybe I had let me own  past hurts affect how I saw this situation.  Maybe there were a bunch of other reasons why Monday morning felt different.  I'll never know.  But I do know that I wanted to share the heart-ache that we feel as parents of kids who are "different".  That sometimes, the medical fears play second fiddle to the socialization fears. 

That sometimes the heart.
                                       just.
                                             hurts.

Why Nature has no New Year...

Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year.  Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.  ~Thomas Mann

Why DOESN’T nature celebrate New Year’s?  Babbling brooks don’t reverse and flow the opposite way, the earth’s rotation doesn’t change, and the phases of the moon don’t reset.  December 31^st is of no concern to the mountains, oceans, or seas.  So, why do we need to mark the passage of another 365 days?  Why do we, human beings, think we are somehow starting fresh when we wake up on January 1^st?

It’s actually quite simple; we long for a “fresh start” because we still search for the missing piece to our lives, and we think that it takes becoming our ideal selves in order to find that piece.  So, we see the greatest opportunity for change to be a brand new calendar year.

First we must acknowledge that there is a big difference between human beings and nature.  Nature was designed by God to reflect his power and majesty.  Nature has, from the beginning, and still to this day, served the purpose of worshiping God and revealing his glory. 

Man, however, was created to be a companion to God; designed in God’s own image with a mind and the ability to choose.  Unfortunately, man chose NOT to glorify God; man chose to glorify and worship himself.  Because of man’s decision to blatantly defy God, his creator, man is left with a missing part.  His heart cannot be completely filled until he can again live as one with God; undefiled and in submission to the one who designed and created him.

So now, our brains and our hearts are in conflict with one another.  Our brains want us to be god of our own lives.  We make choices that we think will make us happy, that we think will bring us peace; choices that God has specifically given us instructions NOT to make.   This leaves an emptiness in our hearts because our truest companion, God himself, is separated from us; leaving a hole in our hearts.

Evie has a hole in her heart.  Here is the basic description of what happens and what will eventually happen over time because of this hole, if we do not fill it.

Blood is normally pumped through the chambers of the heart in the process of circulating throughout the body.  But, because Evie has a hole in heart, one of the chambers gets a little bit of blood that trickles back in rather than getting pumped all the way back through.  Over time, that little bit of blood will become a larger amount of blood as microscopic amounts trickle back into the lower chamber with each pump.  The heart wants to get that blood out of the chamber, so it will work harder and harder to do so, and will start to get bigger and harden; just like the muscles in a body-builder!  As the body-builder works harder and lifts heavier weights, his or her muscles grow tougher and bigger.

People with a hole in their heart need to have that hole filled in order to keep the heart healthy and prevent that hardening process from taking place.  It’s a fairly simple process during which a scope is sent up through the artery in the leg and then a small balloon like device will inflate and fill the heart.  The patient stays over-night and has an ultrasound the next day to ensure that the balloon-like devise is still in place and functioning properly.  The patient will have to return for check-ups with the cardiologist every few weeks, and then every few months…and gradually the patient will not have to check in frequently with the cardiologist anymore as long as everything stays healthy and functions properly.

 

So, what does this have to do with New Year’s Eve?  I guess I’m trying to figure out how each person can fill the hole in their heart with God so that he or she never has to have another BIG New Year’s Resolution.  

Let’s talk about me, as an example.  I, as a human, have a missing piece of my heart because I have chosen to try to play God in my life.  I make selfish decisions, and am tempted to do things that God has told me specifically not to do.  The hole in my heart allows sin to continue to seep back into my life, little by little, with each beat of my heart. 

Bah-boom…if I get a nice new phone, I’ll feel better.

Bah-boom…I don’t feel pretty enough; I need someone to give me attention, and that will make me feel better.

Bah-boom…I’m feeling stressed out; I should go shopping and buy myself something new, that will make me feel better.

Meanwhile, my heart works harder and harder to rid itself of the sin that is seeping back in through the hole.  It grows tougher and stronger because of all the extra work it’s doing, and that makes me grow tired and stressed.

What I need to do, actually, to fill that hole once and for all is allow God back in to my life…as God, not just as who I think God should be.  

I need to renew my understanding of God’s word; his instructions for my life daily, just like a check-up with my cardiologist to ensure that balloon is still filling the hole and no sin is seeping back into my heart.  

I need to pray daily, and keep my communication with my ‘cardiologist’ open and honest so I can listen to guidance on how to live my life and keep my heart healthy.  

In short, the renewal that happens on New Year’s Eve for many is not enough to heal our heart condition.  We must ensure that we celebrate New Day’s Eve.  God even created nature to give us a day and a night; a distinct time that is punctuated by the opportunity to rest and rejuvenate our bodies and minds.   

Let’s start each day, let’s recognize each sunrise, as what it is:  a chance to begin again.  

Nature understands that…why don’t we?