My trembling hand to lift my cup...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 5:8-9

There are times where happiness brings me great despair because I want to grasp that feeling and hold tight to it...have it always accessible,and never feel like I don't remember what it feels like. But the truth is, many days I don't just stumble upon a dance floor...I have to BUILD the dance floor. And many days, I don't just feel happy,I have to CREATE the joy within myself. More often than not, I don't want the day to begin, I want a tranquil sleep that will last until I'm no longer tired. Lately I have found my life to be exhausting.

I have found myself completely dissatisfied with the cup the Lord has given me. I want fun, I want the party, I want life without burdens. Because of this, any complication that arises feels more like a jagged sword than ever. What maybe used to "give me a twinge" now feels like an open wound.

A friend gave me this verse to meditate on, Isaiah 55: 8-9. I love it, and yet, it's frustrating. I had built my house firmly on the foundation of God, and how God had THIS as part of His plan. But, it's so hard. And, just when I feel the glance of the sun on my shoulders the sand comes piling back down into the hole that I am trying desperately to climb out of. So, why can't God want even a little bit of what I want? Why can't He say, "Wow, this kid deserves a break."?

When we were little, we would sit up in Webster, WI and watch the sunlight dance on the crests of the waves on Owl Lake. We called it "diamonds on the lake." If you squinted your eyes, you could make them dance. Well, when I was in 9th grade, and about to be confirmed in my church, my mom wrote me a letter and I specifically remember it, on pink legal paper, she wrote, "Life won't always be diamonds on the lake." I wonder if she knew how those words would stick with me? There are so many days that I try to squint and see some diamonds dancing on the water...but when the sun isn't shining, it's hard to find the diamonds.

So, I know that I haven't had many entries in my blog yet, and already I'm running into a difficult situation--trying to find the strength to raise my cup and say "Cheers" to God...but I know, in faith that there will be a day that my strength will return and there will be a day when the diamonds will dance, and there will be a day when my heart is bursting with not just joy, but also HAPPINESS...and so, in faith I take my trembling hand and lift my cup...

To you, God, I say, "Cheers."