I kind of had a break through yesterday. You know how we shared our mornings together? Buddy (Jinxy) would wake us both up waaaay too early, but then you and I would sit back down together after I'd fed you both, and you'd talk to me and I'd drink my coffee. Well, since you've been gone, I've hated the mornings. I had an ache in my stomach so big and empty that I didn't want to eat, and the smell of the coffee would make me panic because it signaled the start of another day without you here.
I went from being a morning person to being a sad girl who only wanted to sleep the day away.
Of course I couldn't, I had to get up and walk up those stairs at 5:45 for Evie, because I knew that she needed me to be "normal," as much as possible anyway.
So, what happened yesterday?
Well, remember how much I loved to sing at church? I had accepted the opportunity to fill in this weekend for student ministries worship. I didn't know at the time that I accepted that our world was about to be turned upside down by losing you. And, since you've been gone, I haven't felt much like singing. I haven't felt much like praising. I haven't felt much like living.
But, yesterday, I suddenly realized I NEEDED to practice because I hadn't learned any of the music. So, as I drove to pick up Evie Jo from school, I plugged my iPhone into the stereo in the car and started playing the set list.
Oh.my.goodness.
God knew what he was doing when he lined up the stars and got me to say "yes" to singing this weekend. I'm sure they planned the set list weeks ago, but here is the first song I am scheduled to lead.
Nori, can you believe it? The lyrics were God speaking directly to me:
Tammie, how you WAKE in the morning sets your tone for the day. When you WAKE, you must have hope, you must call on me first and fore-most. I know you loved your mornings with Nori...she is still with you in spirit. Just as you can't SEE ME, and you can't see and feel her physically, she is forever with you and I AM FOREVER WITH YOU. Let this eternal love break through your darkness. REJOICE and HAVE HOPE for this type of love NEVER fades.
I needed that so much, Nori. I needed to know that "moving on" didn't mean forgetting you. I needed to know that washing the blanket you died in didn't take you any further from us. I needed PERMISSION to get stronger and start to heal.
I'm going to pray now, the way we did together when I read my devotions with you in the morning:
Dear God, thank you for sending music to help me start to heal. Thank you for helping me WAKE this morning with some hope in my heart. Hope enough to drink my coffee. Hope enough to eat a granola bar. Hope enough to laugh through my tears. Thank you, God for creating this eternal love which will never die even though our bodies die. Amen.
I love you, Nori. I'm sure I'll have more to say later. Jinxy was dancing to this song with Evie and I last night as we practiced for this weekend. I'm sure you know that, though, because I know you were with us too.
Once she started losing weight, I added a towel to her favorite windowsill so she could
sunbathe every morning.
The vet had already explained to us what he was about to do. Evie and I sat on a little couch in the room, and Jeff was on a chair across from us. I held Nori on my lap in the throw-blanket from our bed at home...she always laid on my lap swaddled in that blanket while we watched TV at night.
The vet put the needle into the cath on Nori's little front paw. As he slowly squeezed the syringe Nori's head just quietly sunk deep onto my arm. That fast. He had hardly injected anything before she started to slip away.
She was laying so peacefully as he listened to her heart. I was waiting for him to say she was gone...but he didn't he just said, "Take your time."
"Is she gone?" I asked.
"Yes. Yes. Her heart is no longer beating. There is no more brain activity."
The vet left the room and Jeff came closer to Evie and Nori and I.
I sobbed. I didn't know what else to do. My heart ached, it felt like it would shatter into a thousand pieces.
Suddenly, Evie started to say, "The next day the hippopotamus taught our class."
I stopped crying. It was the last bedtime story we read every night to Evie...the story we have read every night for the past five years. "A Hippopotamus Ate Our Teacher."
"That's a perfect idea, Evie." I said.
So we continued together, "It taught us math, and history, and geometry...it read us stories...".
We finished reciting the rest of the book.
It was one final bedtime story for Nori. What a miracle. What a blessing. What a light in such darkness. I would have never felt there was closure; would have never known how to "end" my cries of "Nori, I love you. I love you so much." But, Evie knew. Just read her a bed time story.
Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed.
Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;
and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.
James 1:14-15, NKJV
Dear Mom and/or Dad,
You're being fed a lie.
Pinterest tells us:
When it's real, you can't walk away.
Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
Maybe it's not about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.
Do your things and don't care if they like it. (This quote is actually credited to Tina Fey)
If it makes you happy, no one else's opinion should matter.
These lovely quotes fall under the category of INSPIRATION or MOTIVATION when you search your favorite social media sites.
You're being fed a lie.
What those lines should actually be categorized as is: Easiest ways to destroy your life, Narcissism 101, or 5 ways to ensure you are unsatisfied with your current situation.
You're being fed a lie.
The TRUTH is: even if "it's real," you could walk away if you chose to. Doing something today just because it feels good to YOU could hurt everyone you love. Walking away from something broken and "starting over to create something better"...well, you tell me what that sounds like when you apply it to certain situations in your "broken" life.
WE'RE BEING FED A BIG, FAT VAT FULL OF LUSCIOUS LIES...
