Dear, Nori~
I kind of had a break through yesterday. You know how we shared our mornings together? Buddy (Jinxy) would wake us both up waaaay too early, but then you and I would sit back down together after I'd fed you both, and you'd talk to me and I'd drink my coffee. Well, since you've been gone, I've hated the mornings. I had an ache in my stomach so big and empty that I didn't want to eat, and the smell of the coffee would make me panic because it signaled the start of another day without you here.
I went from being a morning person to being a sad girl who only wanted to sleep the day away.
Of course I couldn't, I had to get up and walk up those stairs at 5:45 for Evie, because I knew that she needed me to be "normal," as much as possible anyway.
So, what happened yesterday?
Well, remember how much I loved to sing at church? I had accepted the opportunity to fill in this weekend for student ministries worship. I didn't know at the time that I accepted that our world was about to be turned upside down by losing you. And, since you've been gone, I haven't felt much like singing. I haven't felt much like praising. I haven't felt much like living.
But, yesterday, I suddenly realized I NEEDED to practice because I hadn't learned any of the music. So, as I drove to pick up Evie Jo from school, I plugged my iPhone into the stereo in the car and started playing the set list.
Oh.my.goodness.
God knew what he was doing when he lined up the stars and got me to say "yes" to singing this weekend. I'm sure they planned the set list weeks ago, but here is the first song I am scheduled to lead.
Nori, can you believe it? The lyrics were God speaking directly to me:
Tammie, how you WAKE in the morning sets your tone for the day. When you WAKE, you must have hope, you must call on me first and fore-most. I know you loved your mornings with Nori...she is still with you in spirit. Just as you can't SEE ME, and you can't see and feel her physically, she is forever with you and I AM FOREVER WITH YOU. Let this eternal love break through your darkness. REJOICE and HAVE HOPE for this type of love NEVER fades.
I needed that so much, Nori. I needed to know that "moving on" didn't mean forgetting you. I needed to know that washing the blanket you died in didn't take you any further from us. I needed PERMISSION to get stronger and start to heal.
I'm going to pray now, the way we did together when I read my devotions with you in the morning:
Dear God, thank you for sending music to help me start to heal. Thank you for helping me WAKE this morning with some hope in my heart. Hope enough to drink my coffee. Hope enough to eat a granola bar. Hope enough to laugh through my tears. Thank you, God for creating this eternal love which will never die even though our bodies die. Amen.
I love you, Nori. I'm sure I'll have more to say later. Jinxy was dancing to this song with Evie and I last night as we practiced for this weekend. I'm sure you know that, though, because I know you were with us too.
Love, Mommy. xoxoxo
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