Even to Old Age...

Even to [your] old age, I [am] He, and even to gray hairs I will carry [you]!  I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver [you].  Isaiah 46:4

 
I think back tonight to when Evie was on chemo for her Wilms Tumor, and the panic attack I had in the movie theater in Delafield.  My sister and girlfriends and I had gone to see Narnia, and I barely made it through the first scene.  I felt the bassy rumble of the bombs dropping and the air raid sirens vibrating in my chest.  I felt like my skin was crawling, and I had the overwhelming sense of danger. 

I was not safe.  I knew that I was not safe.

My sister went into the hall with me after I told her what was going on.  I kept asking her to call 911 because I knew I needed help.  Something was wrong. 

Thankfully, my sister kept me calm (as calm as she could, at least).  She went and got my other two friends out of the theater and we went back to our hotel room.
 
Shortly after the incident, I had my first visit with a psychologist, and she helped me to manage the stress of being the parent of a sick child, along with a full time employee, a mananger, a wife, and whatever other hats I was wearing at the time. 
 
Where am I going with this?  Well, as I read the verse above from Isaiah during my devotional time tonight, I realized how powerful its message was and is.  My thoughts as I was suffering my panic attack were this:

• I want to be taken care of.
• I want to be held.
• I want to be a baby safe in my mother's arms.
• I want my mommy.

Don't get me wrong, my mom has been and always will be there for me.  But I wanted that actual feeling back of being a child, and being safe under the care of my parents; I didn't want to be the one responsible for the care of another...I just didn't feel strong enough.

But, in this verse in Isaiah, God is saying that HE will comfort us, HE will carry us...even when we are gray with age, he will cuddle us and keep us safe from harm.

Oh, how comforting that is. 

I know that I still struggle from time to time with the idea that I don't "feel" God's presence as I might feel the physical arms of someone cradling me and gently rocking me; but I do know that if I sit quietly and focus on God and ask for his presence, he will come.
 
Imagine how wonderful heaven will be when we CAN be in God's physcial presence?  Finally, the full comfort that we crave will be ours.  But while we're here on earth, we are God's comfort to one another.  Don't be afraid to share God's promises with those who are sad, weary, frightened and burdened. 

Speak life to them...speak hope to them...

Even to old age...   

Questions to ponder:

Have you ever had a panic attack or just been so overwhelmed by a burden that you didn't see any end in sight?

Do you believe that God can be as comforting to you as your mother, father or any adult who made you feel safe when you were little?

How can you start to feel the comfort that God promises to give us?  Do you already feel that he can comfort you in that way?

To Think and Act Like Winnie-the-Pooh

In the story "Eeyore Loses a Tail", Winnie-the-Pooh (our favorite Chubby Little Cubby all Stuffed with Fluff) discovers Eeyore's tail is missing.  As Pooh and Eeyore discuss the missing appendage, the author notes that "Pooh felt that he ought to say something helpful about it, but didn't quite know what.  So he decided to do something helpful instead." (p. 46, Winnie-the-Pooh, A.A. Milne).  Wouldn't our world be so much more friendly and caring if, rather than concentrating on the right thing to say; we DID the right thing?

I recall seeing a friend of mine post on Facebook that her friend's daughter had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and that she wanted to help her friend in some way but didn't know how.  A well-meaning person had responded saying, "Just be there for her.  When she needs something she'll let you know."  I privately messaged my friend and said, "I totally disagree with that person.  Here are some things you can do." 

When Evie was sick with cancer, a person could say, "Call me anytime" and it would go in one ear and out the other for me.  I was sleep deprived, medicated for migraines, and utterly exhausted physically and emotionally.  For me to even TRY to consider delegating tasks that people could help with was too much for me.  I was busy making sure we made it to appointments, we were giving the right medications at the right times, and we were still trying to maintain our sanity.  Calling people to ask them to do something was not part of my daily activities. 

So what can we do to help people who are sick, or who are caregivers for the sick, or people who are mourning the loss of a loved one?  I'll answer that by writing what people did for us that was so helpful when Evie was sick.

• On a couple of occasions our sidewalk and driveway were shoveled clear of snow before we even knew it had happened. 
• On a couple of occasions, people would call me and say, "I'm bringing food over; will you be home at (this) time?" 
• My mother-in-law had secretly had a photographer take pictures of Evie and then had them printed, framed and wrapped for Christmas presents, even including my side of the family.  Considering I was taking care of an infant with cancer while still working fulltime, that was a tremendous relief.
• We received gift cards for the local grocery store in the mail; along with gas cards. 

We didn't have any additional children, but I imagine that a neighbor, friend or relative who calls and says, "I'm taking your kids to ....today" would be welcomed and wonderful blessing.  Siblings can have a hard time when a parent is busy being a caregiver. 

In our case, with just one child, it's helpful to have someone offer to stay with that child too.  For example, I wanted to do the routine things; that's what helped keep me sane.  So I wanted people to say, "Can I stay with Evie while you go get your haircut?" or "I'll watch Evie while you run to Target."  That sort of "regular" stuff becomes hard to do when busy caring for a sick person; but it's also some of the most relaxing times because it's a reminder of life "before" and hopefully a similar life "after". 

Now, when I'm considering friends and acquaintances who are struggling through difficult times, rather than praying solely for a restoration of health or for their difficult situation to be resolved, I'll also pray for God to show me clearly how best I can help them.  Is it a card with some scripture, or a coffee date, or a gift card for a great restaurant?  Is it visiting the sick person so the caregiver and do some laundry or wash some dishes?  Is it raking, mowing or shoveling without being sought out and asked? 

"Eeyore," he [Pooh] said solemnly, "I, Winnie-the-Pooh, will find your tail for you." 

Precious Heavenly Father, Please help ME find Eeyore's tail for someone in my life today...

Three Pieces of Advice to Caregivers~How I, Myself, Get Through

This is kind of a landmark entry for me!  My 14th day in a row of writing.  For two weeks I have made the time to sit down and write daily; I never would have done that except for WEGO Health's National Health Blog Post Month.  Because today is Tuesday, they direct us to write a "Top Three" on some topic.  Today, I get to give my top three pieces of advice to other caregivers.

The first piece of advice I'd like to give may sound cliché, but it's 100% true:  Count your Blessings.  What I mean by that is this; it's not that you need to be more grateful, it's that, literally, negative and positive thoughts cannot rule your brain together.  I call that lying voice, the negative voice, the voice of doubt and fear; my GREEN MONSTER voice.  I picture him somewhere up there in a corner of my brain, just jabbering away about all the doubts and insecurities in my life.  He says things like:  "Tammie, things are going too smoothly, this next ultra-sound for Evie won't be clear."  and "Remember, her blood pressure's too high, that's gotta mean something's wrong with her kidney."  or "What if you have to go back to working full time and you can't be home with her on summers and after school anymore?" 

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...Green Monster gets my heart racing and my mind running.  I start to feel panic creep in.  When this happens, I go back into my brain, (and even sometimes write out), all of the amazing miracles that have happened along the way.  Oil and gas bills with credit on them rather than balances when Evie had cancer; the Children's Oncology Group meeting at exactly the time she was diagnosed, so her doctors could call and consult with some of the greatest minds in children's cancer ~ all meeting together; me being unable to contact Jeff the day Evie was diagnosed because he was out of cell range, but that delayed us checking into the hospital, thereby delaying her surgery long enough to find out that she wouldn't need to have her whole kidney removed.    When I focus on these things and look at the enormous "miracles" inside of them, I really can't justify feeling scared about our future.

Evie a few weeks into treatment for Wilms Tumor

My second piece of advice for caregivers is to create a lot of "logs" and to always have a notebook and pen to write things down.  Often I found that I couldn't remember the easiest thing because of sleep deprivation, and all the things jumbled in my head.  We had (and still have) so many medications, that it was hard to remember when and which ones to give to Evie.  A medication journal will help you remember that you gave the medication and at what time.  If your child has constipation problems, start charting bowel movements!  It's not glamorous, but it helps you know when you need to ramp up the miralax or lactulose.  If your child vomits after vincristine and the doctors are telling you it shouldn't make them sick; start charting when it happens.  I figured out that Evie vomited exactly 5 hours after chemo.  That helped our GP determine that it was a bowel spasm that was making her vomit, not nausea from the chemo.  We started to lube Evie up with lactulose on her chemo days and she never got sick again from vincristine.

Writing things down doesn't mean your stupid or inept, it means you are thorough, conscientious, and recognize that you're in a place where there is so much to process that you may need to write it down now and process it later.

My third, and final piece of advice for caregivers is to get into God's word everyday.  It may not mean reading the Bible or doing a Bible study (I would have never been able to do that when Evie was her sickest), but it could mean getting a good daily devotional.  One devotional I've read and always been moved by is My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.    Uf-dah!  The passages that are highlighted,and then the reflections that Chambers applies to the passages would overwhelm me with peace and give me a chance to marvel at God's goodness in the midst of our own little "hell on earth." 

An example of this if the passage for September 30th...Evie was diagnosed with cancer around the 23rd of September, so right around the 30th she was having her surgery to place her port and begin chemotherapy.  Chambers, on September 30th write about The Commission of the Call:  "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church..." Colossians 1:24  This was Paul writing to the church at Colossae.  Chambers, in My Utmost, says,

"This call has nothing to do with personal sanctification, but with being made broken bread and poured-out wine.  God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with...if ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes." 

 

 

Believe it or not, the thought that we were being crushed so that we could be made into wine was quite comforting to me.  I began to really understand that the pain and fear we were experiencing was only for a season, and that we were being transformed to be a little bit more like Jesus.  That's what kept me going, and continues to propel me forward today.

 

So, there you have it, the best pieces of advice I have to give to all those amazing caregivers out there who may be feeling broken hearted and defeated today.  Please know that you have a Lord, a King, a High Priest, who has experienced pain, suffered death, and conquered death so that we may know glory in Heaven when our time comes.  God is crazy about us, and loves us too much to leave us as the sinful, selfish creatures we can be.  We may feel crushed right now, but soon we'll be transformed just as Jesus was.