The faucet hasn't dripped in months...

Nori and Jinx at our hotel at Lifest

Five months have passed,

We've seen it snow,

We opened gifts, 

We miss you so.

We took a trip, 

To Disneyland,

Jinx got his shots, 

He's not a fan.

We used the last,

Of your "tummy" meds,

So Jinx wasn't sick

In his travel bed. 

But I miss the way,

Your head would kink

To lick water

From our bathroom sink.

Laceration

Again, our innocence lost.

A laceration of our most playful souls.

A deep mourning so we change.

Written in response to writing prompt:  Laceration

The Bride Wore Orange

La Maríee- 1950 Marc Chagall

The bride wore orange

and her groom adored

while the goat played swaying melodies

   on the cello in blue.

The groom stole a kiss

unseen by the fish 

who hovered over darkened rooftops

   on the night sky in blue.

The shadows danced

and she laid down her hands

while white-veiled she smiled 

   through the shades of blue.

I took an Art and ELA class for continuing ed credits and we were asked to write what the painting made us think of.  I was sitting fairly far back in the room and just decided to write a poem about LITERALLY what I could see happening.  :)

Can You be an Advocate and Still be a Christian? ~ Guest Blogging Day

There were also two others, criminals, led with Him to be put to death.  And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left.  Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

And they divided His garments and cast lots. And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.”

Luke 23: 32-35 NKJV

Advocate: A person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc., a person who pleads for or in behalf of another, an intercessor (dictionary.com)

Lately, as I've been sitting in church and listening to sermons, or taking a walk and listening to a podcast, I have been bombarded by messages that make me question my purpose as an advocate for my daughter who has special needs.  

I've received the message that God wants us to put others before ourselves.

I've received the message that God wants us to LOVE His people (which includes everyone...even those I may not necessarily "like".)

I've received the message that, when I make the world about ME, I am taking my eyes off God.

Logically I started to question my motives in EVERYTHING.  

• Is this about me?
• Is this just about my kid?
• Am I advocating out of FEAR or am I actually making the difference that GOD wants me to make?

CAN I BE AN ADVOCATE AND STILL BE A CHRISTIAN?

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

I wore yellow

A week has past since you left us;

We breathe in and we breathe out.

The sun has fully eclipsed;

And followed it's measured route.

On that day I wore yellow;

And my top had a hood.

These are the things I remember,

When remembering is good.

In many ways we're the same,

As we were a week ago.

Same bedtime stories and mealtimes, 

Same popcorn snack and TV shows.

And today while I drank my coffee, 

God made it quite clear, 

I wore yellow that day on purpose:

So you wouldn't feel fear.

I wore the color of the sun

As you drifted off to sleep, 

I wore the color of the butterflies

After which you'd bound and leap.

A week has past since you left us;

And like a wildfire burns,

We still have hot spots and smoldering,

But we're containing the vicious hurt.  

I will think of you tomorrow,

Our memories will never fade.

Because you always found the sunshine, 

And you never liked the shade.

Dear, Nori ~ Entry 2 of my Journal

Dear, Nori~

I kind of had a break through yesterday.  You know how we shared our mornings together?  Buddy (Jinxy) would wake us both up waaaay too early, but then you and I would sit back down together after I'd fed you both, and you'd talk to me and I'd drink my coffee.  Well, since you've been gone, I've hated the mornings.  I had an ache in my stomach so big and empty that I didn't want to eat, and the smell of the coffee would make me panic because it signaled the start of another day without you here.

I went from being a morning person to being a sad girl who only wanted to sleep the day away.

Of course I couldn't, I had to get up and walk up those stairs at 5:45 for Evie, because I knew that she needed me to be "normal," as much as possible anyway.

So, what happened yesterday?

Well, remember how much I loved to sing at church?  I had accepted the opportunity to fill in this weekend for student ministries worship.  I didn't know at the time that I accepted that our world was about to be turned upside down by losing you.  And, since you've been gone, I haven't felt much like singing.  I haven't felt much like praising.  I haven't felt much like living.

But, yesterday, I suddenly realized I NEEDED to practice because I hadn't learned any of the music. So, as I drove to pick up Evie Jo from school, I plugged my iPhone into the stereo in the car and started playing the set list.

Oh.my.goodness.

God knew what he was doing when he lined up the stars and got me to say "yes" to singing this weekend.  I'm sure they planned the set list weeks ago, but here is the first song I am scheduled to lead.

Nori, can you believe it?  The lyrics were God speaking directly to me:

Tammie, how you WAKE in the morning sets your tone for the day.  When you WAKE, you must have hope, you must call on me first and fore-most.  I know you loved your mornings with Nori...she is still with you in spirit.  Just as you can't SEE ME, and you can't see and feel her physically, she is forever with you and I AM FOREVER WITH YOU.  Let this eternal love break through your darkness.  REJOICE and HAVE HOPE for this type of love NEVER fades.

I needed that so much, Nori.  I needed to know that "moving on" didn't mean forgetting you.  I needed to know that washing the blanket you died in didn't take you any further from us.  I needed PERMISSION to get stronger and start to heal.

I'm going to pray now, the way we did together when I read my devotions with you in the morning:

Dear God, thank you for sending music to help me start to heal.  Thank you for helping me WAKE this morning with some hope in my heart.  Hope enough to drink my coffee.  Hope enough to eat a granola bar.  Hope enough to laugh through my tears.  Thank you, God for creating this eternal love which will never die even though our bodies die.  Amen.

I love you, Nori.  I'm sure I'll have more to say later.  Jinxy was dancing to this song with Evie and I last night as we practiced for this weekend.  I'm sure you know that, though, because I know you were with us too.

Love, Mommy. xoxoxo 

On Nori's Last Day ~ Miracle 1

Once she started losing weight, I added a towel to her favorite windowsill so she could

sunbathe every morning.

The vet had already explained to us what he was about to do.  Evie and I sat on a little couch in the room, and Jeff was on a chair across from us.  I held Nori on my lap in the throw-blanket from our bed at home...she always laid on my lap swaddled in that blanket while we watched TV at night.

The vet put the needle into the cath on Nori's little front paw.  As he slowly squeezed the syringe Nori's head just quietly sunk deep onto my arm.  That fast.  He had hardly injected anything before she started to slip away.

She was laying so peacefully as he listened to her heart.  I was waiting for him to say she was gone...but he didn't he just said, "Take your time."

"Is she gone?"  I asked.

"Yes.  Yes.  Her heart is no longer beating.  There is no more brain activity."

The vet left the room and Jeff came closer to Evie and Nori and I.

I sobbed.  I didn't know what else to do.  My heart ached, it felt like it would shatter into a thousand pieces.

Suddenly, Evie started to say, "The next day the hippopotamus taught our class."

I stopped crying.  It was the last bedtime story we read every night to Evie...the story we have read every night for the past five years.  "A Hippopotamus Ate Our Teacher."

"That's a perfect idea, Evie."  I said.

So we continued together, "It taught us math, and history, and geometry...it read us stories...".

We finished reciting the rest of the book.

It was one final bedtime story for Nori.  What a miracle.  What a blessing.  What a light in such darkness.  I would have never felt there was closure; would have never known how to "end" my cries of "Nori, I love you.  I love you so much."  But, Evie knew.  Just read her a bed time story.

Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

The Luscious Lies We're Fed ~ Guest Blogging Day

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 

Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; 

and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. 

James 1:14-15, NKJV

Dear Mom and/or Dad, 

You're being fed a lie.  

Pinterest tells us:

• When it's real, you can't walk away.
• Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
• Maybe it's not about trying to fix something broken.  Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.
• Do your things and don't care if they like it.  (This quote is actually credited to Tina Fey)
• If it makes you happy, no one else's opinion should matter.

These lovely quotes fall under the category of INSPIRATION or MOTIVATION when you search your favorite social media sites.

You're being fed a lie.

What those lines should actually be categorized as is: Easiest ways to destroy your life, Narcissism 101, or 5 ways to ensure you are unsatisfied with your current situation.

You're being fed a lie.

The TRUTH is: even if "it's real," you could walk away if you chose to. Doing something today just because it feels good to YOU could hurt everyone you love. Walking away from something broken and "starting over to create something better"...well, you tell me what that sounds like when you apply it to certain situations in your "broken" life.

WE'RE BEING FED A BIG, FAT VAT FULL OF LUSCIOUS LIES...

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

Don't Cry Over Spilled Skinny Chai Tea Latte

Evie rings the Bell at the BELL Academy after Telling her Friends about an Accomplishment of Hers

We left the BELL Academy,

(Six hours of braille mixed with play),

Drove down the highway;  off to speech!-

It was a "special needs" kind of day.

"I think we'll get there early," I say, 

Because no traffic did we find...

"So at Starbucks we will pitstop, 

A skinny chai tea latte, I won't mind."

We swiftly grab my order, 

I smile and take a deep cleansing breath,

"Ev, we're still getting there early,"

A relaxed feeling that I rarely get.

I imagined slowly sipping 

My skinny chai tea latte in the waiting room,

I had been waiting for this priceless moment 

Since I woke this morning, now it was SOON!

Excitedly we pulled all

Our belongs from the car,

In the door and there's Ms. Vicki - 

My skinny chai tea latte moment wasn't far.

Evie hoisted her proud new BELL bag

Over her shoulder while standing up,

And that pesky cinch sac swung too wide and

Assaulted my Starbucks cup!

The wise green mermaid didn't cry,

As she bounced upon the floor, 

But I yelled, "No!" and fought back tears, 

My skinny chai tea latte was now no more.

I felt frustration fiercely beating

At the doors behind my eyes,

I knew my emotions were just selfish,

"Tammie, do NOT let yourself cry."

My daughter couldn't help it, 

And she today had her OWN fill,

Of the constant call of courage 

As she fought her OWN dragons...

but still...

This momma was already feeling worn,

Today she felt under attack,

So a spilled skinny chai tea latte,

Was the straw that broke this momma's back.

This poem is dedicated to all my fellow parents who have cried over what SEEMS to be the silliest thing...

My Beautiful Feet ~ Guest Blogging Day

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid/www.freedigitalphotos.net

And how are they to preach unless they are sent? 

As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those 

who preach the good news!"

 Romans 10:15 ESV

Paul is quoting from Isaiah when he writes to the Romans about the beautiful feet of those who bring good news.  I had never really been "caught up" in this verse before, but a pastor at our church referenced it a couple of weekends ago, and I was on worship team that weekend, so I heard it four different times and it snuck deep inside my heart.

• I want to be beautiful.  
• I want to have an impact.
• I want to change the world. 

But, how can I do that as and still be a wife, daughter, mother (of a child with special needs) and substitute teacher?  I'm a sister, cousin, and friend.  

How can I do it all?

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

A Good Punch in the Face

Image courtesy of num_skyman/www.freedigitalphotos.net

I've never punched anyone in the face...

Let's get that clear right now.  

But I've wanted to.  In those very "Ally McBeal" moments when you picture yourself following through on your basic animal instincts to lash out at anyone near you when you are injured or threatened...oh, yes...I have wanted to punch many people in the face.

the 8th grade classmate who said, "Tammie, the only reason you get good grades is because you don't have any friends".

the 8th grade classmate who wrote me a note saying that she wanted to become popular that year, and that meant she couldn't be friends with me anymore.  (yeah, 8th grade sucked).

the people who typed the anonymous letters from graduate schools and turned me down because of my GRE scores (although I'm glad you did because I never would have started dating my husband had you accepted me at THOSE schools).

everyone who worked at the Gerber Grow-Up plan because I got a letter from you in December 2004 saying that our daughter couldn't get life insurance through you...(hmmm...a rare disease does that, I guess...hence, why you were forthwith known as the Gerber THROW UP plan).

a couple of Wisconsin's 'civil servants' whose names appeared on letters declining Evie for some county services.  That was unfortunate...but, the courts overturned your decision. :P

the parents who shush their children when they ask me very logical and appropriate "children type" questions about Evie.  Your SHUSH communicates shame...and there is no shame about my daughter.  Your SHUSH is what makes her question what IS SO wrong.

the lady at McDonald's who approached me as we frantically were trying to usher Evie out of the restaurant during a wicked meltdown after a long day of traveling....you approach me and all you do is suggest fish oil for my child's behaviors?  Open the friggin' door for us and help us OUT!

the old man who told me I should have folded up Evie's white cane BEFORE boarding the plane because it was a nuisance for him.  Clearly you don't understand WHY we use a white cane...it's HOW we GET on the plane.

the eye doctors who have treated Evie as if she has no intelligence and that we shouldn't even be in your office...well, guess what...we aren't in your office anymore.  It's actually worth flying back to Wisconsin to see our eye doctor THERE, 1,800 miles from home; than drive two hours and waste our time on you.

I didn't have to, and don't have to, punch any of these people in the face.  They are of no consequence to us.  

This is a great big world, and we serve a GREAT BIG GOD and because of His victory WE have victory.

Today.

No punching required.

Written in response to writing prompt 182 on thewriteprompts.com 

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Life ~ Guest Blogging Day

Evie in the Hospital following her Wilms Tumor diagnosis in 2005

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, 

“Put out into deep water, 

and let down the nets for a catch.”

Simon answered, 

“Master, we’ve worked hard all night 

and haven’t caught anything. 

But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

Luke 5: 4-6 NIV

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a conference in Redding, CA called GrowU.  One of the "top billed" speakers of the event was Chris Brown, who is one of my favorite storytellers because he has a tremendous gift for bringing scripture to life.  

On Saturday night he retold the story of Jesus choosing his first disciples.  And, when Mr. Brown re-tells this story, you suddenly realize how God chooses us today in the very same way as He chose people back in biblical times.  

When you read Luke 5, you read about some fishermen who are cleaning their nets and Jesus asks Simon to take him out in his boat so he can speak to a crowd who has gathered on the shore.  Now, fishermen fish at night, which means, if Simon was in and cleaning his nets, he had just been out fishing all night long.  

Working hard.  

He was exhausted. 

And Jesus comes along and says, "Hey, can you take me out in your boat?"

Ugh.

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

"Come on, God! Let me Worship in Peace!" ~ Guest Blogging Day

God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” John 4:24 NIV 

I found myself in unfamiliar waters on Saturday of last week.  We had tickets to see Chris Tomlin's Worship Night in America here in Reno and we had been looking forward to it for MONTHS!

However, after a sleepless night with one of my elderly cats who was having...eh-hem...intestinal issues, and a long day of watching BOTH my cats refuse food; my husband also wound up on crutches with a chronic foot injury, and I was looking at my jam-packed schedule trying to determine when I'd carve out time to get my cats to the vet (hoping it would NOT be to put a cat to sleep!).

I was pretty ticked off with the whole world...

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...