Wednesday, January 17, 2018

The faucet hasn't dripped in months...

Nori and Jinx at our hotel at Lifest
Five months have passed,
We've seen it snow,
We opened gifts, 
We miss you so.

We took a trip, 
To Disneyland,
Jinx got his shots, 
He's not a fan.

We used the last,
Of your "tummy" meds,
So Jinx wasn't sick
In his travel bed. 

But I miss the way,
Your head would kink
To lick water
From our bathroom sink.

Thursday, October 5, 2017


Again, our innocence lost.
A laceration of our most playful souls.
A deep mourning so we change.

Written in response to writing prompt:  Laceration

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The Bride Wore Orange

La MarĂ­ee- 1950 Marc Chagall

The bride wore orange
and her groom adored
while the goat played swaying melodies
   on the cello in blue.
The groom stole a kiss
unseen by the fish 
who hovered over darkened rooftops
   on the night sky in blue.
The shadows danced
and she laid down her hands
while white-veiled she smiled 
   through the shades of blue.

I took an Art and ELA class for continuing ed credits and we were asked to write what the painting made us think of.  I was sitting fairly far back in the room and just decided to write a poem about LITERALLY what I could see happening.  :)

Can You be an Advocate and Still be a Christian? ~ Guest Blogging Day

There were also two others, criminals, led with Him to be put to death.  And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left.  Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

And they divided His garments and cast lots. And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.”
Luke 23: 32-35 NKJV

Lately, as I've been sitting in church and listening to sermons, or taking a walk and listening to a podcast, I have been bombarded by messages that make me question my purpose as an advocate for my daughter who has special needs.  
I've received the message that God wants us to put others before ourselves.
I've received the message that God wants us to LOVE His people (which includes everyone...even those I may not necessarily "like".)
I've received the message that, when I make the world about ME, I am taking my eyes off God.
Logically I started to question my motives in EVERYTHING.  
  • Is this about me?
  • Is this just about my kid?
  • Am I advocating out of FEAR or am I actually making the difference that GOD wants me to make?


Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

I wore yellow

A week has past since you left us;
We breathe in and we breathe out.
The sun has fully eclipsed;
And followed it's measured route.

On that day I wore yellow;
And my top had a hood.
These are the things I remember,
When remembering is good.

In many ways we're the same,
As we were a week ago.
Same bedtime stories and mealtimes, 
Same popcorn snack and TV shows.

And today while I drank my coffee, 
God made it quite clear, 
I wore yellow that day on purpose:
So you wouldn't feel fear.

I wore the color of the sun
As you drifted off to sleep, 
I wore the color of the butterflies
After which you'd bound and leap.

A week has past since you left us;
And like a wildfire burns,
We still have hot spots and smoldering,
But we're containing the vicious hurt.  

I will think of you tomorrow,
Our memories will never fade.
Because you always found the sunshine, 
And you never liked the shade.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Dear, Nori ~ Entry 2 of my Journal

Dear, Nori~

I kind of had a break through yesterday.  You know how we shared our mornings together?  Buddy (Jinxy) would wake us both up waaaay too early, but then you and I would sit back down together after I'd fed you both, and you'd talk to me and I'd drink my coffee.  Well, since you've been gone, I've hated the mornings.  I had an ache in my stomach so big and empty that I didn't want to eat, and the smell of the coffee would make me panic because it signaled the start of another day without you here.

I went from being a morning person to being a sad girl who only wanted to sleep the day away.

Of course I couldn't, I had to get up and walk up those stairs at 5:45 for Evie, because I knew that she needed me to be "normal," as much as possible anyway.

So, what happened yesterday?

Well, remember how much I loved to sing at church?  I had accepted the opportunity to fill in this weekend for student ministries worship.  I didn't know at the time that I accepted that our world was about to be turned upside down by losing you.  And, since you've been gone, I haven't felt much like singing.  I haven't felt much like praising.  I haven't felt much like living.

But, yesterday, I suddenly realized I NEEDED to practice because I hadn't learned any of the music. So, as I drove to pick up Evie Jo from school, I plugged my iPhone into the stereo in the car and started playing the set list.

God knew what he was doing when he lined up the stars and got me to say "yes" to singing this weekend.  I'm sure they planned the set list weeks ago, but here is the first song I am scheduled to lead.

Nori, can you believe it?  The lyrics were God speaking directly to me:

Tammie, how you WAKE in the morning sets your tone for the day.  When you WAKE, you must have hope, you must call on me first and fore-most.  I know you loved your mornings with Nori...she is still with you in spirit.  Just as you can't SEE ME, and you can't see and feel her physically, she is forever with you and I AM FOREVER WITH YOU.  Let this eternal love break through your darkness.  REJOICE and HAVE HOPE for this type of love NEVER fades.

I needed that so much, Nori.  I needed to know that "moving on" didn't mean forgetting you.  I needed to know that washing the blanket you died in didn't take you any further from us.  I needed PERMISSION to get stronger and start to heal.

I'm going to pray now, the way we did together when I read my devotions with you in the morning:

Dear God, thank you for sending music to help me start to heal.  Thank you for helping me WAKE this morning with some hope in my heart.  Hope enough to drink my coffee.  Hope enough to eat a granola bar.  Hope enough to laugh through my tears.  Thank you, God for creating this eternal love which will never die even though our bodies die.  Amen.

I love you, Nori.  I'm sure I'll have more to say later.  Jinxy was dancing to this song with Evie and I last night as we practiced for this weekend.  I'm sure you know that, though, because I know you were with us too.

Love, Mommy. xoxoxo 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

On Nori's Last Day ~ Miracle 1

Once she started losing weight, I added a towel to her favorite windowsill so she could
sunbathe every morning.

The vet had already explained to us what he was about to do.  Evie and I sat on a little couch in the room, and Jeff was on a chair across from us.  I held Nori on my lap in the throw-blanket from our bed at home...she always laid on my lap swaddled in that blanket while we watched TV at night.

The vet put the needle into the cath on Nori's little front paw.  As he slowly squeezed the syringe Nori's head just quietly sunk deep onto my arm.  That fast.  He had hardly injected anything before she started to slip away.

She was laying so peacefully as he listened to her heart.  I was waiting for him to say she was gone...but he didn't he just said, "Take your time."

"Is she gone?"  I asked.

"Yes.  Yes.  Her heart is no longer beating.  There is no more brain activity."

The vet left the room and Jeff came closer to Evie and Nori and I.

I sobbed.  I didn't know what else to do.  My heart ached, it felt like it would shatter into a thousand pieces.

Suddenly, Evie started to say, "The next day the hippopotamus taught our class."

I stopped crying.  It was the last bedtime story we read every night to Evie...the story we have read every night for the past five years.  "A Hippopotamus Ate Our Teacher."

"That's a perfect idea, Evie."  I said.

So we continued together, "It taught us math, and history, and read us stories...".

We finished reciting the rest of the book.

It was one final bedtime story for Nori.  What a miracle.  What a blessing.  What a light in such darkness.  I would have never felt there was closure; would have never known how to "end" my cries of "Nori, I love you.  I love you so much."  But, Evie knew.  Just read her a bed time story.

Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

The faucet hasn't dripped in months...

Nori and Jinx at our hotel at Lifest Five months have passed, We've seen it snow, We opened gifts,  We miss you so. We t...