Are You Still Watching?

We don't have cable television nor do we have Direct TV...satellite, any of that...We just have a monthly subscription to Netflix and we love it!

There are no commercials with which to contend, and I can watch whatever I want whenever I want it! I also love that Netflix will stop after it's shown you three straight episodes of a show and will say, "Are you still watching?" You have the option to hit CONTINUE or go back to the menu.

Clearly, their belief is, "We'll make this convenient in that we'll start three episodes in a row without making you do any work...BUT, we also know that you don't want to fall asleep and then miss an entire season of a TV show, so we'll stop at three and make YOU decide if you're ready to go on.

I wonder what life would be like if God would stop progressing our LIVES whenever we tuned out on him.

I think I would still be 10 years old.

How OFTEN do we fall asleep and STOP WATCHING God?.

How OFTEN do we have God running in the background while we're doing other things, and suddenly we are three episodes in and have missed the story?

We have so many distractions in our lives these days: social media, sports, games, family...all of them CAN be good, but all of them can become idols that pull us away from God and take a position of utmost importance in our daily lives. 

ARE WE STILL WATCHING GOD?

Here's the irony in my writing, and COMPLETING this particular blog post...it's been sitting in my drafts folder for three years. THREE YEARS it took me to finish something that I had thought about writing. I'm a little surprised that when I logged into Blogger, there wasn't a pop-up window that would say: ARE YOU STILL WRITING?


Written in response to The Write Prompts

Where Am I?

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” (Isaiah 30:15)

I know, I kind of disappeared. 

It was two days before Halloween. Our message series at church was Gods at War and it focused on all the things in this world that suck us in and distract us from the one true God. I was also in the midst of reading the book Goliath Must Fall by Louie Giglio, and God was speaking clearly to me about the pain and anxiety I was feeling as a result of wasting my time scrolling through social media. 

Social Media had turned into a Giant for me. It had become an idol in the sense that I allowed a large chunk of my "spare time" to be swallowed up by it. I was no longer reading. I was no longer writing. And, quite honestly, I was feeling bullied for my personal beliefs. 

Everyday I woke up and I let that Giant taunt me. I made excuses for why I NEEDED to stay on Facebook; people want to see Evie, and people need my positive stories and encouragement. But I'd "walk out" into Facebook-Land and find MYSELF being taunted and brought down by the negative narratives being slung around me and at me. I would go back and read and re-read and wonder how the world had gotten so sideways. But that's exactly how Satan wanted me to feel-confused, hopeless and overwhelmed. 

I got brave enough to finally say, "Enough is enough. There is more to this life than posting a picture of this event, or sharing a funny comment that Evie made. If this had happened even 12 years ago, no one would have heard me tell this story other than the friends who I see every day and the family who calls me on the phone. And that would have been perfectly fine!" 

I had already deleted the Facebook app off my phone a year ago, but still used it through Safari. I decided to delete my history so it wouldn't be something easy to pull up and then I committed to NEVER checking Facebook on my phone again. If I have pictures to share, I can put them on Instragram and share to Facebook through that. I also set up a 1 hour time limit of social media on my phone. Little did I know that also included text messaging and Facetime! 

But, guess what? Since doing that, I have decreased my phone use 33%. I have only come close to my social media limit (including texting) 3 days in the last month. My anxiety is down, and my connectedness to the people around me is up. I don't even charge my phone through out the day because the battery rarely runs low! 

So, to sum up, I only check Facebook once a week, if even that because I only do it when I work on my laptop. If you are looking to get a message to me, you can send it through Messenger. 

I thought leaving Facebook would be difficult, but it has been nothing short of miraculous for me. I thought maybe I'd get more active on it again after the first of the year, but, honestly, I don't miss it, and I don't think I want to! 

So, Where Am I? I'm back to being me. 

Reno

Biggest Little City in the World,
     Blackjack dealers, Wild Horse wranglers,
     A thoroughfare to Burning Man and Nation's Automobile Museum;
Windy, Wild, Waking,
Land of Hot August Nights;

They tell me you are hookers, gangs and casinos,
     and I have seen the headlines, so I know.
And they tell me you are desertland, and
     I relish the lack of moisture in the dry desert air.
And they tell me you're a has-been, and I say:
     I have seen it in the movies
     painted as the Mos Eisely of Tatooine.
And having answered so I look at those
     who kick dirt at my city, and I give
     them back the dirt and say to them:
Come and show me another city resting resplendent
     within a ring of mountain ranges,
     resilient and relentless.
Abiding the angst of dire droughts and furious
     floods, her people rally for their
     neighbors and restore their principality;
Tender as a mother soothing her child to sleep,
     protective as a soldier guarding his sovereign state
     against the world,
Revealed,
Emerging,
Growing,
Returning,
Ascending, abating, advancing,
Through the desert dust, bright lights
     on alabaster cityscape, dazzling with
     flashing brilliance
Through the perilous panes of possibility
     dazzling as young dames dazzle,
Dazzling even as diamonds dancing on the
     kept blue waters of Tahoe,
Sparkling and dazzling that through those waters flows the lifeforce of ages -
     decades of dreams and daring emigrants,
          Dazzling!
Dazzling the windy, wild, waking dazzle of the Dauntless, unfaltering, unshrinking, proud to be the
     Biggest Little City, Blackjack dealers, Wild Horse wranglers, thoroughfare to Burning Man and           Automobile Museum to the Nation.

Inspired by Carl Sandburg's poem Chicago

The faucet hasn't dripped in months...

Nori and Jinx at our hotel at Lifest

Five months have passed,

We've seen it snow,

We opened gifts, 

We miss you so.

We took a trip, 

To Disneyland,

Jinx got his shots, 

He's not a fan.

We used the last,

Of your "tummy" meds,

So Jinx wasn't sick

In his travel bed. 

But I miss the way,

Your head would kink

To lick water

From our bathroom sink.

Laceration

Again, our innocence lost.

A laceration of our most playful souls.

A deep mourning so we change.

Written in response to writing prompt:  Laceration

The Bride Wore Orange

La Maríee- 1950 Marc Chagall

The bride wore orange

and her groom adored

while the goat played swaying melodies

   on the cello in blue.

The groom stole a kiss

unseen by the fish 

who hovered over darkened rooftops

   on the night sky in blue.

The shadows danced

and she laid down her hands

while white-veiled she smiled 

   through the shades of blue.

I took an Art and ELA class for continuing ed credits and we were asked to write what the painting made us think of.  I was sitting fairly far back in the room and just decided to write a poem about LITERALLY what I could see happening.  :)

Can You be an Advocate and Still be a Christian? ~ Guest Blogging Day

There were also two others, criminals, led with Him to be put to death.  And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left.  Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

And they divided His garments and cast lots. And the people stood looking on. But even the rulers with them sneered, saying, “He saved others; let Him save Himself if He is the Christ, the chosen of God.”

Luke 23: 32-35 NKJV

Advocate: A person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc., a person who pleads for or in behalf of another, an intercessor (dictionary.com)

Lately, as I've been sitting in church and listening to sermons, or taking a walk and listening to a podcast, I have been bombarded by messages that make me question my purpose as an advocate for my daughter who has special needs.  

I've received the message that God wants us to put others before ourselves.

I've received the message that God wants us to LOVE His people (which includes everyone...even those I may not necessarily "like".)

I've received the message that, when I make the world about ME, I am taking my eyes off God.

Logically I started to question my motives in EVERYTHING.  

• Is this about me?
• Is this just about my kid?
• Am I advocating out of FEAR or am I actually making the difference that GOD wants me to make?

CAN I BE AN ADVOCATE AND STILL BE A CHRISTIAN?

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

I wore yellow

A week has past since you left us;

We breathe in and we breathe out.

The sun has fully eclipsed;

And followed it's measured route.

On that day I wore yellow;

And my top had a hood.

These are the things I remember,

When remembering is good.

In many ways we're the same,

As we were a week ago.

Same bedtime stories and mealtimes, 

Same popcorn snack and TV shows.

And today while I drank my coffee, 

God made it quite clear, 

I wore yellow that day on purpose:

So you wouldn't feel fear.

I wore the color of the sun

As you drifted off to sleep, 

I wore the color of the butterflies

After which you'd bound and leap.

A week has past since you left us;

And like a wildfire burns,

We still have hot spots and smoldering,

But we're containing the vicious hurt.  

I will think of you tomorrow,

Our memories will never fade.

Because you always found the sunshine, 

And you never liked the shade.

Dear, Nori ~ Entry 2 of my Journal

Dear, Nori~

I kind of had a break through yesterday.  You know how we shared our mornings together?  Buddy (Jinxy) would wake us both up waaaay too early, but then you and I would sit back down together after I'd fed you both, and you'd talk to me and I'd drink my coffee.  Well, since you've been gone, I've hated the mornings.  I had an ache in my stomach so big and empty that I didn't want to eat, and the smell of the coffee would make me panic because it signaled the start of another day without you here.

I went from being a morning person to being a sad girl who only wanted to sleep the day away.

Of course I couldn't, I had to get up and walk up those stairs at 5:45 for Evie, because I knew that she needed me to be "normal," as much as possible anyway.

So, what happened yesterday?

Well, remember how much I loved to sing at church?  I had accepted the opportunity to fill in this weekend for student ministries worship.  I didn't know at the time that I accepted that our world was about to be turned upside down by losing you.  And, since you've been gone, I haven't felt much like singing.  I haven't felt much like praising.  I haven't felt much like living.

But, yesterday, I suddenly realized I NEEDED to practice because I hadn't learned any of the music. So, as I drove to pick up Evie Jo from school, I plugged my iPhone into the stereo in the car and started playing the set list.

Oh.my.goodness.

God knew what he was doing when he lined up the stars and got me to say "yes" to singing this weekend.  I'm sure they planned the set list weeks ago, but here is the first song I am scheduled to lead.

Nori, can you believe it?  The lyrics were God speaking directly to me:

Tammie, how you WAKE in the morning sets your tone for the day.  When you WAKE, you must have hope, you must call on me first and fore-most.  I know you loved your mornings with Nori...she is still with you in spirit.  Just as you can't SEE ME, and you can't see and feel her physically, she is forever with you and I AM FOREVER WITH YOU.  Let this eternal love break through your darkness.  REJOICE and HAVE HOPE for this type of love NEVER fades.

I needed that so much, Nori.  I needed to know that "moving on" didn't mean forgetting you.  I needed to know that washing the blanket you died in didn't take you any further from us.  I needed PERMISSION to get stronger and start to heal.

I'm going to pray now, the way we did together when I read my devotions with you in the morning:

Dear God, thank you for sending music to help me start to heal.  Thank you for helping me WAKE this morning with some hope in my heart.  Hope enough to drink my coffee.  Hope enough to eat a granola bar.  Hope enough to laugh through my tears.  Thank you, God for creating this eternal love which will never die even though our bodies die.  Amen.

I love you, Nori.  I'm sure I'll have more to say later.  Jinxy was dancing to this song with Evie and I last night as we practiced for this weekend.  I'm sure you know that, though, because I know you were with us too.

Love, Mommy. xoxoxo 

On Nori's Last Day ~ Miracle 1

Once she started losing weight, I added a towel to her favorite windowsill so she could

sunbathe every morning.

The vet had already explained to us what he was about to do.  Evie and I sat on a little couch in the room, and Jeff was on a chair across from us.  I held Nori on my lap in the throw-blanket from our bed at home...she always laid on my lap swaddled in that blanket while we watched TV at night.

The vet put the needle into the cath on Nori's little front paw.  As he slowly squeezed the syringe Nori's head just quietly sunk deep onto my arm.  That fast.  He had hardly injected anything before she started to slip away.

She was laying so peacefully as he listened to her heart.  I was waiting for him to say she was gone...but he didn't he just said, "Take your time."

"Is she gone?"  I asked.

"Yes.  Yes.  Her heart is no longer beating.  There is no more brain activity."

The vet left the room and Jeff came closer to Evie and Nori and I.

I sobbed.  I didn't know what else to do.  My heart ached, it felt like it would shatter into a thousand pieces.

Suddenly, Evie started to say, "The next day the hippopotamus taught our class."

I stopped crying.  It was the last bedtime story we read every night to Evie...the story we have read every night for the past five years.  "A Hippopotamus Ate Our Teacher."

"That's a perfect idea, Evie."  I said.

So we continued together, "It taught us math, and history, and geometry...it read us stories...".

We finished reciting the rest of the book.

It was one final bedtime story for Nori.  What a miracle.  What a blessing.  What a light in such darkness.  I would have never felt there was closure; would have never known how to "end" my cries of "Nori, I love you.  I love you so much."  But, Evie knew.  Just read her a bed time story.

Revelation 21:3-4 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

The Luscious Lies We're Fed ~ Guest Blogging Day

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 

Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; 

and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. 

James 1:14-15, NKJV

Dear Mom and/or Dad, 

You're being fed a lie.  

Pinterest tells us:

• When it's real, you can't walk away.
• Do something today that your future self will thank you for.
• Maybe it's not about trying to fix something broken.  Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better.
• Do your things and don't care if they like it.  (This quote is actually credited to Tina Fey)
• If it makes you happy, no one else's opinion should matter.

These lovely quotes fall under the category of INSPIRATION or MOTIVATION when you search your favorite social media sites.

You're being fed a lie.

What those lines should actually be categorized as is: Easiest ways to destroy your life, Narcissism 101, or 5 ways to ensure you are unsatisfied with your current situation.

You're being fed a lie.

The TRUTH is: even if "it's real," you could walk away if you chose to. Doing something today just because it feels good to YOU could hurt everyone you love. Walking away from something broken and "starting over to create something better"...well, you tell me what that sounds like when you apply it to certain situations in your "broken" life.

WE'RE BEING FED A BIG, FAT VAT FULL OF LUSCIOUS LIES...

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...

Don't Cry Over Spilled Skinny Chai Tea Latte

Evie rings the Bell at the BELL Academy after Telling her Friends about an Accomplishment of Hers

We left the BELL Academy,

(Six hours of braille mixed with play),

Drove down the highway;  off to speech!-

It was a "special needs" kind of day.

"I think we'll get there early," I say, 

Because no traffic did we find...

"So at Starbucks we will pitstop, 

A skinny chai tea latte, I won't mind."

We swiftly grab my order, 

I smile and take a deep cleansing breath,

"Ev, we're still getting there early,"

A relaxed feeling that I rarely get.

I imagined slowly sipping 

My skinny chai tea latte in the waiting room,

I had been waiting for this priceless moment 

Since I woke this morning, now it was SOON!

Excitedly we pulled all

Our belongs from the car,

In the door and there's Ms. Vicki - 

My skinny chai tea latte moment wasn't far.

Evie hoisted her proud new BELL bag

Over her shoulder while standing up,

And that pesky cinch sac swung too wide and

Assaulted my Starbucks cup!

The wise green mermaid didn't cry,

As she bounced upon the floor, 

But I yelled, "No!" and fought back tears, 

My skinny chai tea latte was now no more.

I felt frustration fiercely beating

At the doors behind my eyes,

I knew my emotions were just selfish,

"Tammie, do NOT let yourself cry."

My daughter couldn't help it, 

And she today had her OWN fill,

Of the constant call of courage 

As she fought her OWN dragons...

but still...

This momma was already feeling worn,

Today she felt under attack,

So a spilled skinny chai tea latte,

Was the straw that broke this momma's back.

This poem is dedicated to all my fellow parents who have cried over what SEEMS to be the silliest thing...

My Beautiful Feet ~ Guest Blogging Day

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid/www.freedigitalphotos.net

And how are they to preach unless they are sent? 

As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those 

who preach the good news!"

 Romans 10:15 ESV

Paul is quoting from Isaiah when he writes to the Romans about the beautiful feet of those who bring good news.  I had never really been "caught up" in this verse before, but a pastor at our church referenced it a couple of weekends ago, and I was on worship team that weekend, so I heard it four different times and it snuck deep inside my heart.

• I want to be beautiful.  
• I want to have an impact.
• I want to change the world. 

But, how can I do that as and still be a wife, daughter, mother (of a child with special needs) and substitute teacher?  I'm a sister, cousin, and friend.  

How can I do it all?

Continue reading on Comfort in the Midst of Chaos...