Humble Thyself: My Greatest Lesson...

This morning’s sermon at New Hope E-Free Church helped me to put together all the emotions that I have had this past summer into one general idea. The Unforgiving Servant. Matthew 18:21-35. How many times shall I forgive?
Ironically, it was the first portion of the sermon that for ME made the most impact. The first question truly is, “How do I enter the Kingdom of Heaven?” Because, if we don’t answer that question, then we really don’t need to answer the question of “How many times do I have to forgive?” And Jesus’ reply to that question of “How do I enter the Kingdom of Heaven” was (Matt 18:4) “Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Hmm. Does that mean I need to be innocent like a child? No. Children are not innocent. Have you met any? “No! Mine! I don’t want to! No! Mine! I don’t want to!” Children certainly are not innocent. However, they do lack status. They were not considered important to “society” in the biblical times, and they are not considered “important “ today. Sure, they have future value…but do they really impact society today? No.
So, what does it mean that I need to approach the throne of God like a child? It means, I need to humble myself and realize that what might be considered worthy here on Earth, certainly is not the same as “worthy” to God. In other words…
I must die to myself…
I must take up MY cross to follow Him. I MUST do whatever keeps me PURE in order to follow Him.
I used to say that I left the retail Industry in order to make more money, even if it meant I wasn’t making more money. For example, I used to walk out that door of Victoria’s Secret or Marshall Field’s with new purchases because I DESERVED them for what I had put up with as far as stress in my workday. I would BUY the GOOD DEALS because I deserved it. But, did it get me any closer to Heaven? Similarly, in my recent work I have been making good money, but I had also been feeling more stress, seeing less of my home, dealing less with my daughter or my husband, and spending more in order to fill that empty hole that develops when one is not fulfilling all the needs in one’s life.
Recently, I have been faced with the decision to take a “higher paying, more certainty, higher-prestige” type of job verses taking a “less-certain, up-hill both ways, half the pay I used to make” kind of job in order to enjoy my daughter, be an advocate for my daughter, teach my daughter, love my daughter-serve my husband, enjoy my husband and THANK my husband for all the burdens he has taken on over the past few years. Today’s sermon at church soothed my heart and eased my mind and said to me, “Tammie, you have done well.”
Did I want door number one or door number two? Well. Considering that families of children with special needs have an 80% divorce rate, considering that I was completely absent from my daughter’s life in the morning, and that my daughter’s life was never going to “get easier”; considering that school will get harder, friends will be more difficult to make and difficult to keep; considering that Jeff and I would be sending her to daycare after school rather than into the warm, welcoming, nurturing home of our own…I just couldn’t do it. I had to humble myself…
I had to say, “Forget the BA; forget the MA. Forget the paycheck. Forget the prestige. Forget the stability. Forget the title under “place of work” on Facebook. Forget being “offered” a job, but go instead and ASK for one. Forget getting an interview and having people recommend you; instead find out where you are NEEDED because no one else is sure they want to do it. Forget getting served…instead, go serve…”
After days and nights of wondering if I made the right choice on Monday and Tuesday of last week by turning down one job offer and ASKING for another…today’s sermon at New Hope confirmed for me what I already knew in my heart…God is pleased.
And, if my God is pleased, need I present any other evidence???

Realist or Pessimist~My Commentary on Oswald Chamber's Commentary

As I read Evie her "kid" devotional tonight, I thought..."Ah-ha! There it is! What I have known to be true, but have never been able to put into words..."

From My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, 7-30 "Jesus did not commit Himself unto them...for He knew what was in man." John 2:24-25

My "perspective" for a couple of decades now has been, "Someone will always let me down, and I will always let someone else down at least once in my relationship with him or her."

Some would say this is pessimistic, but I think it's only realistic and that it helps to cushion me from the blow when that new friend or high-esteemed family member falls from grace by letting me down. Of course they will let me down! They are human, and so am I!

This realization is, literally, a Come-to-Jesus moment because He is the ONLY one who will never let me, nor you, nor anyone else down. "Why our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster."

So, in other words, Mary Kay Ash had it right! We should prioritize our lives in the following order: Faith, Family, Career. The moment that Family is more important than Faith~boom! Discontent. The moment that Career comes before Family~kapow! Discontent. However, if I look to God and turn my family and my friends and my career over to Him and say, "It's all for you...all for you...this is my offering..." I will find blessings abound...joy, peace, tranquility...

Think about this: "Many of the cruel things in life spring from the fact that we suffer from illusions."

She is my best friend.

I will honor and obey you, till death do us part.

Pinky Swear.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

Illusions. Smoke and Mirrors. Words, Actions.

Not God. Not Omniscent. Not the Creator of the Universe. Not the Beginning and the End. Not the Foundation, Solid Rock, I AM.

Let's be realists. Let's stop holding one another to unachievable goals of perfection in appearance, thought, word, deed. Let's remember that God does not make mistakes, that He loves each one of us as we are because we are His works of art. Let's remember that without a right relationship with Him, we cannot have a right relationship with anyone.

"There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ."

Or, as the words of the Plumb song 'God Shaped Hole' go..."There's a God-shaped hole in all of us, and an empty soul that's searching, There's a God-shaped hole in all of us, and it's a hole, that only He can fill..."

Patience, Faith and the Tension before I Fly

A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, "I cannot stand any more." God does not heed, he goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Sometimes, I really feel like God stretches me. When people say He won't give you what you can't handle, I say, "Oh, He will...He gives you so much more because He wants you to have to rely on Him." So, this description of an archer staining and pulling back to create the tension and to generate and bind up all that energy as He prepares to unleash the arrow in the direction of His Will...well, to me it's just plain poetic and comforting.



When you consider an arrow, stretched back, aimed, teeming with all that kinetic energy of tension to be unleashed...there's no stopping that act once God has put the arrow into motion. And, with His will being perfect, then we know that nothing can stop His will from being carried out. So, it makes incredible sense that He would need to pull and twist and create such energy within us to snap us into motion.



This is exactly what I have felt over the past year'ish timeframe...something stretching within me...something pulling and twisting and tensing inside. Am I fulfilling my purpose, am I moving in the right direction, am I the best me that I can be, am I moving others toward God or away from God? Haven't I asked these questions before? Why can't life get easier? Why am I still searching? Why am I still hurting? Why am I still disobeying???



I want answers, I want happiness, I want solutions...I want results, I want to fix the things I've done wrong and help others see what they have done wrong. I don't want to hurt people, and I don't want others to hurt me! I want to stop pushing against God's will because when I do, it creates havoc in my life and the lives of those around me.



How can I reconcile these emotions? Only by remembering that the Bible also tells me that my soul will cry out while here on earth as it's yearning to be in Heaven, where it was designed to be. You know how you see a piece of art, or a piece of clothing, or even a person at an event and you think, "Hmmm...that seems out of place..." Well, in a sense, we're all out of place. We're all spiritual souls bound up in earthly, human, sinful bodies just groaning with the need to be joined once and for all with their Creator.



I am so ready to hear that sound of "whish-swoosh" as God releases my arrow and shoots me in that direction...imagine a razor sharp head of the arrow slicing through the air, and anything else that stands in it's way...the feathers on the tail of that shaft guiding and directing the arrow toward it's final purpose and destination...What excitement, what energy~what a sight it will be when I reach the end of the journey and can say..."Oh, Lord, my God, my Shepherd, my Shield...you designed me, protected me, broke me down and strengthened me, found me when I was lost, carried me when I was unable to walk...Thank you, thank you...what a perfect plan...I couldn't see the beauty in it until just now..."



Will this tension be released tomorrow? I doubt it. Will my current state of "blech" be resolved before the end of this year? I don't know! But God has promised me that I will be a victor "Because I [thou] hast kept the word of His [My] patience." Revelations 3:10 So, until that day...until that day...I will wait...

Dancing on a His Grave...or Mine???

The world rejoiced last night...nations celebrated...people were dancing in the streets across the globe...

My heart leaped for joy. Jeff had come downstairs and said in an enthusiastic whisper, "Bin Laden's dead..."

Bin Laden's dead. It brought back the pain and uncertainty of 9/11/01. The scar in my soul glowed and seared just as Harry Potter's lightening bolt scar on his forehead did whenever Voldemort was around.

I relished reading the Facebook posts from my friends. My smile grew larger as I watched the smiles of those speaking on TV, discussing the recent announcements of who, what, where, when, why and how. When I woke in the morning; bleary-eyed and foggy, I soon remembered that the world was changed as I turned on the TV and rejoined the celebration.

But as I drove into work, I thought about it...What would Jesus do? He was the one nailed to the cross on the hill. He was the one who shed blood "once and for all" so that we could be justified in the eyes of our God and Creator. Would Jesus have chosen to abandon the cross had He only been asked to die for Osama Bin Laden???

Here is my answer: Matthew 6:32 [Jesus said] If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive back as much. 35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing back; and your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil. 36 Therefore be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful. 37 Don’t judge, and you won’t be judged. Don’t condemn, and you won’t be condemned. Set free, and you will be set free.

Oh boy...here I go again. I take one step forward and two steps back in my journey of faith everyday! I had been dancing on that man's grave, I had been spiking the ball in the end zone, I had whooping and hollering with joy...as Jesus hung bloodied and beaten on the cross for the likes of both Bin Laden and me...

So, tonight I sit with a repentant heart and ask God to cover me with mercy and love (once again...). Maybe this is why I find myself asking for forgiveness so often from others...because I find it hard to forgive others, so I also find it hard to forgive myself. I judge others harshly because I judge myself harshly. I hold others to ridiculously high standards because I hold myself to ridiculously high standards.

How can I change this? Maybe I never will. Maybe I will always be this way. But, if I continue on my journey, if I continue to learn from God's love, if I continue to open the door of my heart to God and others ~ maybe, just maybe I'll find that prize at the finish line. Only if I can forgive others will God forgive me. Then, and only then will I be dancing on a Grave ~ the grave belonging to the Old Tammie ~ dancing as the New Tammie ~ the grave of a Sinner being danced on by a Victor ~ the grave of a Slave being danced on by a Princess...

Yes, Bin Laden is dead. Vengeance belongs to God, and He will handle it according to His will. I need not worry that my God will carry through with swift, just, punishments ~ and from Him I will ask for mercy on my soul, my Dancing Soul...

Am I A Seasonal Christian?

From Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest "One of the great snares of the Christian worker is to make a fetish of his rare moments. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you say~Now I will always be like this for God." He goes on to write, "If you make a god of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life and never come back until you do the duty that lies nearest, and have learned not to make a fetish of your rare moments."

I can easily say that I have a tendency to have my points of inspiration as well as my points of spiritual desolation. I take those rare moments of inspiration and I try to wring them for all they hold so I can keep that inspiration going through good times and bad.

When asked in an interview about being the mom of a child with special needs, "How do you do it?" I responded, "I have to choose to start each day inspired or depressed..." Now I look back and think, "Do I have to be so extreme?" Can I just "be" and let God do the rest? Do I have to have a mountain to climb in order to be inspired~or can I just be content to have an uneventful period in my life?

If I "make a god of my best moments" and I worship those momentous events~then my focus is no longer on God, it is on the event. My focus is no longer on running the race and finishing the race, it is on finishing with flair and fanfare.

"Be instant in season, out of season" 2 Timothy 4:2 tells me that I should be right there for God whether I feel winter, or summer~that I can't just be "His Girl" when all the conditions meet my requirement for inspiration. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other whether inspired or not. God WILL WORK in all seasons of my life!!!

So, tonight, I lift my cup to God and I say, "Father, help me to be annointed for YOU and by YOU in all seasons of my life~whether summer, fall, winter or spring...I need to bloom where you have planted me! God, continue to prune me...cut me back down to size so I can grow even larger next season...so I can harness that energy within and really "leap" next season. Cheers, God...here's to another season...

Evie Jo's Sight Factory

Every human being is equipped with a sense called "sight." The sight comes from a place called the Sight Factory. Evie Jo had two major CEO's at her Sight Factory: Louisa Left-Eye and Ruby Right-Eye. This is a story about how the two CEO's dealt with major upheaval in their company.

In the early development of the Sight Factory, one important employee forgot to come to work, Isabella Iris. She didn't know she was supposed to work at the Sight Factory because the Human Resource managers on chromosomes 11 and 15 translocated some information and forgot to schedule Isabella Iris for her orientation. It was very unforunate that Isabella Iris couldn't work at the Sight Factory as she had such a colorful personality.

Louisa Left Eye had to work extra hard because of the Human Resource manager's miscommunication. HR didn't fully develop the employees as the Sight Factory and they even hired bad employees like Gary Glaucoma and Cataract Kate. Louisa Left Eye was trying to fire Gary Glaucoma from the very first day. She would write him up for disruptive behavior and try to retrain him with drops and surgeries. These fixes all were temporary, and a few weeks later, Gary would act up again. Gary Glaucoma liked to pressure Louisa Left Eye and she didn't work well under pressure.

In June of 2005, Louisa thought she had solved the problem by brining in Ahmed, the implanted valve to help relieve her pressure and eventually fire Gary Glaucoma. Several months passed, however, and suddenly Ahmed quit working and that allowed Gary to misbehave again. Louisa Left Eye was under so much pressure that her half of the Sight Factory became foggy and clouded over. Cataract Kate took advantage of the fogginess and she became a larger and larger presence as well. Soon, Gary and Kate prevented any work from being done at the Sight Factory at all.

Poor Louisa Left Eye felt she had failed Evie Jo. But, Evie Jo had already started using Ruby Right Eye for the majority of her Sight Factory needs. Evie Jo was just tired of the pressure from Gary Glaucoma, so she gave Louisa Left Eye early retirment and decided all her Sight Factory needs would go through Ruby Right Eye from that day forward.
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Photoshopping My Life

The other day I was looking at different friends’ photos on Facebook and realized that some of them had a fun, boldy-colored graininess to them. I decided to recreate that with some of my own photos. So, at 6:45 am, when I should have been doing other things, I opened up my Microsoft picture manager and went to work.
I tweaked, and torked; turned and twisted photos. I exaggerated brightness, while also manipulating darkness. I hyped up some blues and toned down some reds. I contrasted, cropped and cooked those photos until I thought I looked as hip the 22 year old on the cover of Rolling Stone.
Then I realized something…I was still ME! I can tweak those photos until the “witchy-poo” wart on my chin is erased (that’s certainly less expensive than my deductible to see the dermatologist)~but that doesn’t mean it’s gone. I can play with shadows and light to smooth out those fine lines that several seasons in the sun and many, many months of motherhood have bountifully blessed me with~but those lines are still there, waiting to be uncovered so they can reveal all my secrets.
Was I trying to photoshop my life? Was I trying to censor what I didn’t want others to see? Was I trying to become more like the World by altering what God intended me to be? You can argue that it’s all in fun, I would, for sure. But, what is the bottom line here? Am I thinking deep down in my core, in my heart of hearts, in the “always a little girl” part of me; do I think God’s artwork isn’t perfect?
Here’s the deal…God’s sense of beauty is constant…it’s unchanging. He’s not fickle like we are in the World. God doesn’t follow trends, and doesn’t look for the It girl or It boy. He made us in His image, and He is the ultimate artist. He knows how to match the colors because He created the colors. He knows just how to perfect the saturation of color on my face, and how to blend shadows and light.
So, if the Master Creator made me in my form, why am I photoshopping? The answer lies all around me. I am of the World, but my soul is NOT of this World. I am living in a society striving for beauty and perfection. I am being washed in waves of want each day; waves that crash upon my heart and break my beliefs into smithereens. “I just don’t look like her,” “I wish I had eyes like that,” “Why did God make me so short?” Daily I compare myself to others…and daily I question my dissatisfaction in me!
It’s this “of this world” feeling that requires me to, each day, live with a purposeful pattern of self-affirmation. Yes, the “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and Dog-gone~people like me” mantra of Stuart Smalley is really what God wants us to remember. After all, He is the shepherd who would chase after me if I strayed foolishly from the flock. He is the physician who would perform miracles; works of medical intervention if it meant ensuring my relationship with Him. He is my bridegroom preparing to receive me at the end of that white-carpeted aisle…
There’s a book written by James W. Moore titled If God has a Refridgerator, You Picture is on It. I can’t help but love that image. Don’t we stick all of our important, bragging-rights on our refridgerator? I imagine if I handed Him a photoshopped picture of myself God would say, “Get back from me, I never knew you…” But, if I come to Him as the innocent child He molded with His own hands…He will snatch up that photo and stick it on the fridge along with a gold star sticker that reads, “Well done”…

Free Falling, Pulling the Chord, or Crashing...

I struggle...I never know if I'm a risk-taker, a wuss, or a wreck. And I'm so fickle, that I tend to switch between all three within seconds of each other. The only problem is, you can't change your mind that many times and make life work. There's a law of physics: Objects in motion tend to stay in motion...

This "change of mind" can cause quite a wretch to my soul and a disjointing jolt to my system. Since I have found myself in a free-fall from time to time, enjoying myself quite a bit in a leisurely, care-free, downward spiral (people often encourage me to "lighten up" "not take things so seriously" etc. etc.--and I'll admit to enjoying myself when I do...) when I take a look around during my free-fall and see the ground rushing at me, and the trees looming larger: I FREAK!!! Did I miss the mark? Am I still on target? Will I still be able to catch the prize? As I rip the chord and feel the yank of the parachute open--I feel my body seize with tension. Tammie, you lost your head! What were you thinking?

Let's look at a big weakness of mine. Shopping. It's definitely my addiction. When I walk into a store and smell it's intoxicating fragrance (that's usually in Abercrombie or The Buckle, when I hear the music thumping (usually a tune that I don't know, but makes me feel twenty-something again), and when I see the pretty new styles of the season...sultry new color combinations that raise my blood pressure, and flowing-fluttery fabrics that whisper of femininity and youth~ah...that really helps the serotonin release.

For a while, I was doing well at not buying just to buy. But, lately, I had lost some significant weight and things needed to be a little smaller. I had to go out shopping! Suddenly, I was out the door of the airplane, spread eagle, FREE-FALLING!!!!! Oh, the joy~the freedom~the beauty and majesty of it all...

But~whoa-nellie!!!! This is wrong! I was trying to find joy in things again. Somehow I was trying to fill an emptiness in my life, a hole in my heart with a pretty top, or delicate earrings, or fantastically-fitting jeans. What were those THINGS going to actually do for me?

QUICK~yank that chord!!! I pull the chord...I turn tail and run from the mall...but am I free??? Did I really just fix anything?

No...I am still falling, just at a more controlled speed. I am still missing whatever it was that I was seeking in those items. I am still not-complete~still not whole.

It looks like I'm going to crash. But here is where I can determine my final destination. I have already jerked myself senseless by defying gravity and pulling that chord, so I have to shake the blurriness from my mind. Okay...Tammie...think...where can you land that will be safe? How can you crash into something that will not mean death, dismemberment or damage?

I then see it...the ultimate place to land...

GRACE...

His grace is sufficient for me. It's the ultimate place to land. It will wash away my sin, my iniquities, my transgressions. His grace will comfort me and fill that emptiness inside me.

I will, no doubt, fall or jump out of a plane again. I will FREAK OUT! That is who I am. I will see my faults and pull the chord...and His grace will be there for my landing. What Wondrous Love is that???

Today in church we sang a song that has become a part of my soul~How Deep the Father's Love for Us by Stuart Townsend~ "It was my sin that held Him there, until it was accomplished; His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished."

This feels to me like a rambling piece of clumsy words...but I'm praying for it to communicate what God intends it to. I'm praying that those who need to read it, can and do. I'm praying that the next time you or I find ourselves in another rapid free fall, we remember that it WAS accomplished, that it IS finished, and that we ARE His treasure.

Oh, Ye, of Little Faith

Welcome to Little Faith! This is the fastest growing state in the United States of America. Multitudes of people have moved to Little Faith in the past few decades, years, months. Let's talk to some of the residents to find out why they chose Little Faith as their new home.

Resident 1: I couldn't believe all that had gone on recently in the world! Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Japan...fighting, earthquakes, tsunamis...I just couldn't handle all the upheavals, disasters...I decided to just immerse myself in comforting town of Little Faith.

Resident 2: I was having trouble paying my mortgage; I could hardly keep the heat on during the winter...it felt like the cost of living was on the rise and my wages were shrinking! Little Faith gave me the chance to wallow in the cities of Fear and Doubt. I felt like I finally fit in!!!

Resident 3: I have lost so many people this past year. Cancer was a word I was hearing every day~either somebody had it, or somebody died from it. I was so sick of disease and death! I packed my bags and moved to Little Faith because I needed to get away~I couldn't handle the pressure. I now live in Sorrow, Little Faith! I am no longer alone!

Could this be the start of a brochure for a fast growing metropolitan suburb? Is Little Faith a place on a map, or a place in my heart? Do I trust that the maker of bread can provide bread for me and my family? Do I believe that the designer of the heavens can also clothe me? Matthew 6:30 Will he not much more clothe you, yea of little faith???

The waves of fear that follow the waves of the tsunami will never be strong enough to wash away the promises of the God...He promised that once and for all our sins would be washed away from blood of a lamb, not water from oceans and seas...If I can believe in that redeeming love, then I need not live in Little Faith~I belong in a palace, not a grave...

Emotion vs. Salvation~Why I Was Wrong...

A long period of time has passed since my last post. It seems I hardly got my blog off the ground before I allowed myself to be distracted by the world and all it's fancy things and I forgot what had impassioned me to start my blog to begin with!

Some recent events here in Madison, WI combined with the message I heard today at church reminded me why I wanted to blog. I wanted my blog to inspire others who might be facing difficult circumstances, I wanted it to encourage others, to build them up, to show them how wonderful a relationship with God can be.

Right now, though, there is a battle taking place in Wisconsin that makes me think only of civil war. It turns brother against sister, cousins against cousins, friends against friends. The battle is emotionally charged because it is based in politics and also based in one's ability to earn a living, to access healthcare, to plan for one's future. The battle is emotionally charged because it will directly impact our children and the generations to come here in Wisconsin.

I got caught up in the emotion of it all. I became hurt and offended by my conversations and exchanges with people who are friends and relatives. I took personally the remarks that they made regarding their rights as opposed to my rights. As anyone who feels like they're being attacked, I grew defensive and bitter.

Then, I get to church today and the message is about Children of God. Who are the Children of God? Who are the brothers and sisters of the Children of God?

Philippians 2:14-15 Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation in which you shine like stars in the universe.

Oh my...I realized right away, I had not been shining. The speaker pointed our that the reference to stars was based in that era of using the stars as guides for navigation at night. I'm supposed to be a shining star or others to see and follow as a guide. Oh my goodness...how many did I lead astray? Not just this week, but these past few months? How many people looked at me and thought: Wow! And she has a relationship with God??? I certainly don't want any part of that!

Then the speaker challenged me again! He asked us: Are you a citizen of Wisconsin? Or are you a citizen of Heaven? Well, certainly I would rather be a citizen of Heaven, not just Wisconsin. So, shouldn't my actions be those of a citizen of Heaven? Shouldn't I complain less about what I see going on in Wisconsin and focus more on what my citizenship in Heaven will be like?

Finally, he really drove home the reality of my many mis-steps...he said (as a quote that he couldn't place, and I could not find a source either) "Emotion is the shallowest waters of the soul, and we should spend time in the deepest waters of salvation."

Oh my...yes, I was wading in the shallow waters of emotion the past few months: What about me? Where is my glory? Where is my recognition? See me??? Here I am, dancing in the shallow waters of the beach!!! Look at me!!!

What I should have been doing, in order to continue to prepare myself for my citizenship in Heaven, I should have been diving in~exploring those depths of the waters of salvation...going deeper and deeper into the recesses~finding new worlds under the water rather that bronzing myself on the shore with no exploration, no new discoveries, nothing except my eyes closed tight against the sun...or were they closed to the son???

I was so wrong. I need to remember to be that shining star! I need to remember that my citizenship in Heaven is much more important that my citizenship here in Wisconsin. I need to remember that I should lift my cup of salvation and wash it clean from emotion so I will keep my eyes focused on the Lord and Master who washed the feet of fishermen and wore a crown of thorns...

The Ring Bearer

What ring do you bear? Do you carry many rings with you through your life? Do certain rings call out to you, tempting you to give in to a sinful seduction that they represent? I was watching The Two Towers last night, the second movie in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I realized how much we are ALL like Frodo.
Frodo, and humble hobbit, has been selected to carry this Ring to an ultimate destination in order to save Middle Earth. Many others have come along side him in order to help and protect him as he does this. Most importantly, he has his best friend Sam.
In one of the last scenes in The Two Towers, Frodo and Sam have been taken captive and ushered to another city being ravaged by war and despair. Frodo, as has happened many times on this journey, feels the Ring (that hangs on a chain around his neck) being followed; traced by those who hunt it and its power. His face is washed in a haunting look of “vacancy”…a look that tells us he is no longer able to make a conscious and wise decision. Frodo, entranced by the power of the Ring, walks out of protection and stands completely vulnerable to the Ringwraiths (dark, foreboding characters whom have already fallen victim to their Rings and The Dark Lord Sauron).
Sam sees Frodo lose control of his senses, and follows him to where he stands unprotected from the Ringwraiths. He pleads with Frodo to break away from the trance that has overtaken him and tries to pull him back into protection. In response to Sam’s, Frodo draws his sword and holds it to Sam’s neck…
And this is where I caught my breath…
How many times have I done that to Jesus?
Whatever Ring I carry, how many times have I let its sweet seduction entrance me? How many times have I wanted to “give in?” How many times have I decided that the lust, or greed, or power that the Ring possesses feels better than the “high road” that I find myself choosing? How many times has Jesus pleaded with me, “Don’t give in! Fight for what’s right! Look toward the ultimate prize, and not just what feels good now!”
You see, when Frodo “puts on the Ring”…when he wears it on his finger…he becomes invisible to everyone except for the evil eye that is watching him…The Dark Lord Sauron. When Frodo dons the Ring, the Eye of Sauron is immediately drawn to him, and knows his location and his weakness.
So it is with Satan. When we give in to our weaknesses, when we give in to the temptations that we carry, we become invisible to those around us, but fall even weaker at the feet of our Tempter. Suddenly, Satan has found a foothold and he knows just where he can get to us and cause us to fall.
And isn’t it true that when our weaknesses are pointed out, when our temptations—that we are perfectly aware of, but LOVE to defend—are thrown out in front of our faces…we draw our swords and threaten those who we love the most??? All they want to do is help us, and yet, we lash out and try to slice them down before they can show us how we have fallen prey to temptation—how we have relished the seduction of sin.
I don’t have any answers to this problem we have as we carry our Rings through life and hope to eventually save Middle Earth. All I know is that I have always wondered as I watched Frodo on his journey in these movies…What does that Ring mean???? And I finally figured it out last night. After watching the movie dozens of times, I finally saw that look on his face and realized…THAT IS ME! I am Frodo. I am carrying a Ring that seduces and haunts me. I am called to a task much greater than I believe I am capable of, yet it still is mine…my burden to bear, my journey to take. And, dear God, I need mercy on this journey, and I need friends who will uphold me and support me, but I also need friends who will call me out and say, “No! You are better than this! You are stronger than this!”
Let’s all take on this journey together, and fellowship with one another: encourage, lift up, call out, and show one another that we can make it to our final destination together. Our God will never leave us, nor forsake us…

My trembling hand to lift my cup...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 5:8-9

There are times where happiness brings me great despair because I want to grasp that feeling and hold tight to it...have it always accessible,and never feel like I don't remember what it feels like. But the truth is, many days I don't just stumble upon a dance floor...I have to BUILD the dance floor. And many days, I don't just feel happy,I have to CREATE the joy within myself. More often than not, I don't want the day to begin, I want a tranquil sleep that will last until I'm no longer tired. Lately I have found my life to be exhausting.

I have found myself completely dissatisfied with the cup the Lord has given me. I want fun, I want the party, I want life without burdens. Because of this, any complication that arises feels more like a jagged sword than ever. What maybe used to "give me a twinge" now feels like an open wound.

A friend gave me this verse to meditate on, Isaiah 55: 8-9. I love it, and yet, it's frustrating. I had built my house firmly on the foundation of God, and how God had THIS as part of His plan. But, it's so hard. And, just when I feel the glance of the sun on my shoulders the sand comes piling back down into the hole that I am trying desperately to climb out of. So, why can't God want even a little bit of what I want? Why can't He say, "Wow, this kid deserves a break."?

When we were little, we would sit up in Webster, WI and watch the sunlight dance on the crests of the waves on Owl Lake. We called it "diamonds on the lake." If you squinted your eyes, you could make them dance. Well, when I was in 9th grade, and about to be confirmed in my church, my mom wrote me a letter and I specifically remember it, on pink legal paper, she wrote, "Life won't always be diamonds on the lake." I wonder if she knew how those words would stick with me? There are so many days that I try to squint and see some diamonds dancing on the water...but when the sun isn't shining, it's hard to find the diamonds.

So, I know that I haven't had many entries in my blog yet, and already I'm running into a difficult situation--trying to find the strength to raise my cup and say "Cheers" to God...but I know, in faith that there will be a day that my strength will return and there will be a day when the diamonds will dance, and there will be a day when my heart is bursting with not just joy, but also HAPPINESS...and so, in faith I take my trembling hand and lift my cup...

To you, God, I say, "Cheers."

God's Masterpiece

I'm participating in a Bible story on the first 6 Chapters of Genesis. I'm learning all about the Creation, and how my belief in the Creation can either support or dismiss all other things that I have learned. It's been humbling and awe-inspiring-of course, when confronted with the God who made the Heavens and the Earth--who wouldn't want to fall to her knees?

This in-depth study has taken me deeper into the question--WHY WAGR SYNDROME? WHY MY DAUGHTER? God, what were you thinking when you made her, and why did you think I could handle this?

Here is His Response...

God's Masterpiece

God was knitting, knitting, knitting...
Knit, one, pearl, two...
Without sitting--just knitting, knitting...
Spinning strands of stars and light out to the Heavens through out the night.

God was knitting, knitting, knitting...
Angels saw Him drop the stitch...
"Wait!" they shouted, as it was fitting,
To show Him that He'd lost His sight; strands of DNA spun out through the night.

God was turning, turning, turning...
Folding over strand on strand...
"Don't you see this?" He asked the angels...
"This is art within My hands; a masterpiece before us stands..."

"The World is watching, waiting, waiting...
Waiting for My Son's return...
What they are missing while they're waiting,
Is all the beauty that We've made, while they are waiting to be saved."

"But, Father won't this dropped stitch hurt them?
Won't they miss the World they knew?
Cancer, blindness, pain that burns them,
Father, spare these Children, please,we ask you on our bended knees!"

God continued, nodding, nodding...
As He laced the woven threads...
Tracing Masterpiece and nodding...
"It is finished," He said with triumph, as the angels stood in defiance.

"Finished now, yet incomplete?"
Cried angels once at Father's feet...

"We stand here now; pleading, pleading...
Don't you see our hearts are bleeding...
For this child and all her World...
Can't you fix her before the pain ravages the World again?"

God now spoke while wading, wading...
Through a pool of silver and gold...
Sovereign and steadfast, Shepherd wading...
"What pains the World, Celestial Friends, is separation from Me, from God to Man. No perfection will they ever see, until they live at Home with Me.
And so this Masterpiece will tell My Story, a tale through pain that brings Me Glory.
So dry your eyes, go swiftly hence, she's down on Earth, you must commence
to usher her through her Earthly reign until she's home with me again."